Creep
Now that's more like it. The lovely Franka Potente is locked in the deserted London Underground with a deformed, murderous mutant gentleman and a handful of other potential victims. The movie makes very effective use of the barren Underground and empty trains, there's some honest-to-god horror happening here and it's refreshing after the run of lazy garbage movies that I've been subjecting myself to lately.
Also refreshing is that the movie isn't afraid to allow Potente's character, Kate, to be kind of unlikable. She's not horrible or anything, but she's also not a clichéd heroine with a heart of gold, and she feels more real because of it. Even the final shot (lifted from The Graduate, of all places) feels earned, not phony. That's not to say there aren't any clichés, the story is nothing new and the Saw-like cinematography & lighting leaves a bit to be desired (everything is bathed in sickly greens, yellows, and blues which gets old pretty fast, just because something is unpleasant to look at doesn't necessarily make it scarier). Also, there's a sequence where a guy high on cocaine tries to rape Kate that is frankly unnecessary. The guy was already an asshole, to make him a potential rapist to get the viewer to hate him more is lazy and obnoxious. Be smarter, movie. Trust that we already see the guy as a potential threat without having him menacingly reach for his fly and push Kate into a corner.
Those faults are forgivable, though, because the movie has some terrifically creepy atmosphere and a brisk pace that helps the 85 minute running time breeze by. There are also some pretty nauseating moments, and I mean that in the best way possible. It's all very grim, but not oppressive, which can be a dealbreaker for movies like this. It's much more effective than the premise and generic title suggest, and generally the sort of movie that makes an undertaking like watching a new-to-me horror movie every day of October worthwhile.
Also, have I mentioned Franka Potente? Because DAMN. Franka Potente. Just sayin'.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Monday, October 13, 2014
Scary Movie Month 2014, Day 13
Pet Sematary Two
What a waste of a good Kurgan.
If someone murdered and buried Pet Sematary and it came back wrong...it would still be better than this. There are a few things working against it from the beginning: Edward Furlong, lack of Stephen King source material (or support, he insisted his name not be used), Edward Furlong, a terrible script, and Edward Furlong.
An unspecified amount of time has passed since Gage Creed got all "no fair" on the asses of everyone in his general area, and wouldn't you know it people are messing with that Micmac burial ground again where the ground is sour and things that you bury don't stay dead. As in the original, it starts with pets and then escalates to people, only these are not people that we care about like the Creeds or Jud Crandall, these are Edward Furlong people and Anthony Edwards in a weird turtleneck people, so we're pretty much rooting for mostly-dead Clancy Brown to murder everyone, including the screenwriter.
If you've seen the first Pet Sematary, you've probably been having nightmares about the terrifying Zelda ever since. She's one of the most frightening images in any movie, and though she has very little to do with the story itself she's memorable because she's awful in all of the right ways. There is absolutely nothing in this movie anywhere near as frightening or memorable as Zelda, much less anything else in the first movie. It's a lukewarm retread with absolutely no discernible personality and nothing that works on its own merits.
If there's any one bright spot, it's Clancy Brown as a dickhead sheriff turned undead dickhead sheriff. He's clearly having a good time and he's fun to watch, and to the movie's credit there's a scene in which he causes a car crash that is actually well-staged and moderately effective. So that's one minute that works and around a hundred minutes that don't. Not a very good average, that.
It's shocking to know that this was directed by Mary Lambert, who also directed the first Sematary. The original is so assured and so deeply frightening that I can't even believe such a lazy, uninspired sequel had the same person calling the shots. If only she had learned the lesson of the first movie that sometimes dead is better. Not every movie is meant to be a franchise.
What a waste of a good Kurgan.
If someone murdered and buried Pet Sematary and it came back wrong...it would still be better than this. There are a few things working against it from the beginning: Edward Furlong, lack of Stephen King source material (or support, he insisted his name not be used), Edward Furlong, a terrible script, and Edward Furlong.
An unspecified amount of time has passed since Gage Creed got all "no fair" on the asses of everyone in his general area, and wouldn't you know it people are messing with that Micmac burial ground again where the ground is sour and things that you bury don't stay dead. As in the original, it starts with pets and then escalates to people, only these are not people that we care about like the Creeds or Jud Crandall, these are Edward Furlong people and Anthony Edwards in a weird turtleneck people, so we're pretty much rooting for mostly-dead Clancy Brown to murder everyone, including the screenwriter.
If you've seen the first Pet Sematary, you've probably been having nightmares about the terrifying Zelda ever since. She's one of the most frightening images in any movie, and though she has very little to do with the story itself she's memorable because she's awful in all of the right ways. There is absolutely nothing in this movie anywhere near as frightening or memorable as Zelda, much less anything else in the first movie. It's a lukewarm retread with absolutely no discernible personality and nothing that works on its own merits.
If there's any one bright spot, it's Clancy Brown as a dickhead sheriff turned undead dickhead sheriff. He's clearly having a good time and he's fun to watch, and to the movie's credit there's a scene in which he causes a car crash that is actually well-staged and moderately effective. So that's one minute that works and around a hundred minutes that don't. Not a very good average, that.
It's shocking to know that this was directed by Mary Lambert, who also directed the first Sematary. The original is so assured and so deeply frightening that I can't even believe such a lazy, uninspired sequel had the same person calling the shots. If only she had learned the lesson of the first movie that sometimes dead is better. Not every movie is meant to be a franchise.
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Scary Movie Month 2014, Day 12
Tales From the Crypt Presents Ritual
There are some things in life that I just can't abide, and this movie commits one of the worst of those sins: a criminal waste of Tim Curry. He's the "comic relief" here (a term possibly never used more loosely) and he seems as bored as anyone watching this shit.
Ritual was meant to be the third in an ongoing series of Tales From the Crypt movies. The first, Demon Knight, is a fun, funny, nasty, kinetic, endlessly rewatchable monster mash. The second, Bordello of Blood, leans way too hard toward comedy (and an assumption that the Venn diagram of "horror fan" and "Dennis Miller fan" has a much greater overlap than it actually does) and completely tanked in theaters. It flopped so hard, in fact, that this movie was purchased by Miramax and had all connections to Crypt removed for international theatrical release. Eventually they added the Crypt stuff back in and dumped the movie (deservedly so) direct to DVD in the US.
The movie opens with a horrifically cheap Crypt Keeper intro, the puppet seemingly purchased from a second-rate Halloween store and still voiced by a probably embarrassed John Kassir, who deserves better than this. We then cut to the movie proper, an ineptly-staged, self-serious remake of Val Lewton's infinitely better (and almost 40 minutes shorter) I Walked With A Zombie. Everything is flatly lit and unimaginatively staged, and while there are a few very welcome practical effects that stand out, there's also some terrible, cartoony CGI which only serves to make the whole thing feel like a SyFy Channel production.
Unlike one would expect from Tales From the Crypt, this movie has no sense of humor or fun. Say what you will about Bordello of Blood (it's not good) but at least it knew how silly it all was. I'll take that smug goofiness over po-faced dullness any day of the week. I Walked With A Zombie is readily available on DVD, by itself and as part of an excellent career-spanning Val Lewton box set. Do yourself a favor and track that down instead, you'll have a better time, I promise.
There are some things in life that I just can't abide, and this movie commits one of the worst of those sins: a criminal waste of Tim Curry. He's the "comic relief" here (a term possibly never used more loosely) and he seems as bored as anyone watching this shit.
Ritual was meant to be the third in an ongoing series of Tales From the Crypt movies. The first, Demon Knight, is a fun, funny, nasty, kinetic, endlessly rewatchable monster mash. The second, Bordello of Blood, leans way too hard toward comedy (and an assumption that the Venn diagram of "horror fan" and "Dennis Miller fan" has a much greater overlap than it actually does) and completely tanked in theaters. It flopped so hard, in fact, that this movie was purchased by Miramax and had all connections to Crypt removed for international theatrical release. Eventually they added the Crypt stuff back in and dumped the movie (deservedly so) direct to DVD in the US.
The movie opens with a horrifically cheap Crypt Keeper intro, the puppet seemingly purchased from a second-rate Halloween store and still voiced by a probably embarrassed John Kassir, who deserves better than this. We then cut to the movie proper, an ineptly-staged, self-serious remake of Val Lewton's infinitely better (and almost 40 minutes shorter) I Walked With A Zombie. Everything is flatly lit and unimaginatively staged, and while there are a few very welcome practical effects that stand out, there's also some terrible, cartoony CGI which only serves to make the whole thing feel like a SyFy Channel production.
Unlike one would expect from Tales From the Crypt, this movie has no sense of humor or fun. Say what you will about Bordello of Blood (it's not good) but at least it knew how silly it all was. I'll take that smug goofiness over po-faced dullness any day of the week. I Walked With A Zombie is readily available on DVD, by itself and as part of an excellent career-spanning Val Lewton box set. Do yourself a favor and track that down instead, you'll have a better time, I promise.
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Scary Movie Month 2014, Day 11
The Phantom of the Opera (1943)
Now I remember why it's been over 20 years since I've seen this one: I don't really like it. Easily my least favorite of the golden age of Universal Monsters, it's a case of way too much opera and way too little Phantom.
The lush technicolor looks gorgeous on the blu-ray, but it just doesn't feel like a horror movie, especially taken alongside masterpieces like Dracula & Frankenstein. Claude Rains is great (as always) as the Phantom, but he's offscreen so often that instead of building tension it just leaves the viewer feeling bored waiting for him to return and inject a little life into the movie. The reveal of his deformity, what should be an iconic and terrifying moment, lays there inert on the screen, much like any other "big" moment in this version it's missing an element of true horror or pathos or anything to make it memorable.
It's difficult not to compare this to other versions, and it doesn't hold a candle to Lon Chaney's take from 1925, a movie that still holds the power to shock and horrify. If I'm being embarrassingly honest, I even prefer the Dwight H. Little joint from 1989 with Robert Englund and (dreamy sigh) Jill Schoelen. It's crazy, but at least it's FUN crazy, this version is, sadly, a drag.
Now I remember why it's been over 20 years since I've seen this one: I don't really like it. Easily my least favorite of the golden age of Universal Monsters, it's a case of way too much opera and way too little Phantom.
The lush technicolor looks gorgeous on the blu-ray, but it just doesn't feel like a horror movie, especially taken alongside masterpieces like Dracula & Frankenstein. Claude Rains is great (as always) as the Phantom, but he's offscreen so often that instead of building tension it just leaves the viewer feeling bored waiting for him to return and inject a little life into the movie. The reveal of his deformity, what should be an iconic and terrifying moment, lays there inert on the screen, much like any other "big" moment in this version it's missing an element of true horror or pathos or anything to make it memorable.
It's difficult not to compare this to other versions, and it doesn't hold a candle to Lon Chaney's take from 1925, a movie that still holds the power to shock and horrify. If I'm being embarrassingly honest, I even prefer the Dwight H. Little joint from 1989 with Robert Englund and (dreamy sigh) Jill Schoelen. It's crazy, but at least it's FUN crazy, this version is, sadly, a drag.
Friday, October 10, 2014
Scary Movie Month 2014, Day 10
Death Spa
Appropriately batshit movie about a computer-controlled, murderous health club. Surprisingly, it took almost six minutes to get to the first full-frontal nude shot, which seems positively lethargic for a movie called Death Spa. Also, it was cowritten by a guy named Mitch Paradise, so now you all know my chosen porn name.
It's a bit shocking that this came out as late as 1989 because it feels firmly rooted in the Miami Vice-inspired neon aesthetic of the mid-80's. It's all brightly-colored spandex, over-the-top gore, new wave music, and did I mention the brightly-colored spandex?
As for the movie itself, the title pretty much says it all. A spa run by computer goes haywire (because things like the bolts on a diving board and the tiles in a shower are run by computer, isn't that how things work?) and starts causing people to be maimed and/or killed. Also a guy gets eaten by a two-foot-long fish because why not. Of course there's more to it than a simple computer malfunction, but I won't spoil the gleeful batshittery to come. The movie goes completely insane in the final act, and it's all the better for it.
Everyone in the cast commits to the nonsense and it makes for a pretty fun watch overall. I wish Ken Foree had a bit more to do since he's a goddamn national treasure, but any Foree is good Foree. Also, as a Star Trek fan I'd be remiss if I didn't mention this was the final film performance of Merritt Butrick, who played Kirk's son in Treks II & III. His performance is unfortunately rooted in the gay panic not uncommon in movies of the era (era) but he's still fun to watch.
I imagine this would work well as a party movie, just something to have on in the background during a Halloween party. You can watch pretty much any random 5-10 minutes of it and enjoy pretty much everything it has to offer. I don't mean that as a dig, for the record. It's exactly what you're looking for if you're into movies with titles like Death Spa.
Appropriately batshit movie about a computer-controlled, murderous health club. Surprisingly, it took almost six minutes to get to the first full-frontal nude shot, which seems positively lethargic for a movie called Death Spa. Also, it was cowritten by a guy named Mitch Paradise, so now you all know my chosen porn name.
It's a bit shocking that this came out as late as 1989 because it feels firmly rooted in the Miami Vice-inspired neon aesthetic of the mid-80's. It's all brightly-colored spandex, over-the-top gore, new wave music, and did I mention the brightly-colored spandex?
As for the movie itself, the title pretty much says it all. A spa run by computer goes haywire (because things like the bolts on a diving board and the tiles in a shower are run by computer, isn't that how things work?) and starts causing people to be maimed and/or killed. Also a guy gets eaten by a two-foot-long fish because why not. Of course there's more to it than a simple computer malfunction, but I won't spoil the gleeful batshittery to come. The movie goes completely insane in the final act, and it's all the better for it.
Everyone in the cast commits to the nonsense and it makes for a pretty fun watch overall. I wish Ken Foree had a bit more to do since he's a goddamn national treasure, but any Foree is good Foree. Also, as a Star Trek fan I'd be remiss if I didn't mention this was the final film performance of Merritt Butrick, who played Kirk's son in Treks II & III. His performance is unfortunately rooted in the gay panic not uncommon in movies of the era (era) but he's still fun to watch.
I imagine this would work well as a party movie, just something to have on in the background during a Halloween party. You can watch pretty much any random 5-10 minutes of it and enjoy pretty much everything it has to offer. I don't mean that as a dig, for the record. It's exactly what you're looking for if you're into movies with titles like Death Spa.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Scary Movie Month 2014, Day 9
The ABCs of Death 2
Yuck. That's the one thing all 26 shorts in this anthology have in common, they all have at least a moment designed to make the viewer say yuck. The basic premise is the same as the first movie, 26 filmmakers (or filmmaking teams) are each given a letter of the alphabet and tasked with making a short film about death based on that letter.
The shorts here are mostly bad (though in fairness, not as bad as the worst of the first movie in the series) but there are a few bright spots, particularly A, S, W, and Z (especially S, a cleverly constructed piece that was easily my favorite in the movie). Also, I admit I laughed out loud at the last line of M, and as affectedly gonzo as Y was there was something about it that worked, unlike the godawful surrealist Japanese Z from part 1.
I realize that that last paragraph reads like an equation, but I'm being purposefully vague only because one of the few pleasures of the movie is trying to figure out what word the short is building to, as the name of each short isn't revealed until the end of it, usually causing it to act almost as a punchline.
One thing to be wary of, these movies are most assuredly not for the weak of stomach. As each one is building to a death, they can get pretty insanely gory. I don't mind gore when it has a purpose (the first movie's X was one of my favorite shorts in it and I had to look away from the screen momentarily during it) but a lot of it here just comes across as a lazy attempt to shock.
Despite the few good shorts, this was as frustrating and overall disappointing as the original. As with any anthology, your mileage may vary regarding which shorts you like or don't like, but I can't imagine anybody walking away from the movie feeling completely satisfied.
Yuck. That's the one thing all 26 shorts in this anthology have in common, they all have at least a moment designed to make the viewer say yuck. The basic premise is the same as the first movie, 26 filmmakers (or filmmaking teams) are each given a letter of the alphabet and tasked with making a short film about death based on that letter.
The shorts here are mostly bad (though in fairness, not as bad as the worst of the first movie in the series) but there are a few bright spots, particularly A, S, W, and Z (especially S, a cleverly constructed piece that was easily my favorite in the movie). Also, I admit I laughed out loud at the last line of M, and as affectedly gonzo as Y was there was something about it that worked, unlike the godawful surrealist Japanese Z from part 1.
I realize that that last paragraph reads like an equation, but I'm being purposefully vague only because one of the few pleasures of the movie is trying to figure out what word the short is building to, as the name of each short isn't revealed until the end of it, usually causing it to act almost as a punchline.
One thing to be wary of, these movies are most assuredly not for the weak of stomach. As each one is building to a death, they can get pretty insanely gory. I don't mind gore when it has a purpose (the first movie's X was one of my favorite shorts in it and I had to look away from the screen momentarily during it) but a lot of it here just comes across as a lazy attempt to shock.
Despite the few good shorts, this was as frustrating and overall disappointing as the original. As with any anthology, your mileage may vary regarding which shorts you like or don't like, but I can't imagine anybody walking away from the movie feeling completely satisfied.
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Scary Movie Month 2014, Day 8
The Monkey's Paw (2013)
"It'll give you what you ask for, but not the way you want it." That's a direct quote from the movie and a pretty decent synopsis as well. As anyone familiar with the story (read: everyone on the planet) knows, every wish brings with it a big pile of bloody consequences. Sure it's a story that's been done to death (and then wished back to soulless life) but this made-for-TV movie is a pretty solid take on it.
Remember a few days ago when I was knocking Stephen Lang for being lousy in A Good Marriage? He's forgiven, because he's kind of a hoot here. He's a friend of Blandy McBland, our main character, who is accidentally killed and then wished back to life courtesy of the shriveled appendage of the title. Not surprisingly, he returns as a soulless murder enthusiast and only Blanderson Blankface can stop him. He's clearly having fun running around New Orleans (side note for exactly one reader: thanks for the geography lesson, Nicky :-*) stabbing the holy hell out of everyone he encounters. It's a fun performance, and the movie suffers a bit whenever he's offscreen (particularly toward the middle) but for the most part it's a fun watch.
The lead, C.J. Thomason is (as I might have mentioned) a bit on the bland side, but Lang is so much fun to watch that it doesn't sink the movie. The great Charles S. Dutton plays a cop investigating the murders, and he's a welcome presence in any movie even when he doesn't have a whole lot to do, which is unfortunately the case here.
All things considered it's a slick, above-average TV movie. The story is solid and well-told, it has a wickedly humorous streak running through it, and there was even a moment that made me jump, which is all too rare these days. Also, it was written by Blue Ruin star Macon Blair which made me want to watch that again, so that's gotta be another point in its corner.
"It'll give you what you ask for, but not the way you want it." That's a direct quote from the movie and a pretty decent synopsis as well. As anyone familiar with the story (read: everyone on the planet) knows, every wish brings with it a big pile of bloody consequences. Sure it's a story that's been done to death (and then wished back to soulless life) but this made-for-TV movie is a pretty solid take on it.
Remember a few days ago when I was knocking Stephen Lang for being lousy in A Good Marriage? He's forgiven, because he's kind of a hoot here. He's a friend of Blandy McBland, our main character, who is accidentally killed and then wished back to life courtesy of the shriveled appendage of the title. Not surprisingly, he returns as a soulless murder enthusiast and only Blanderson Blankface can stop him. He's clearly having fun running around New Orleans (side note for exactly one reader: thanks for the geography lesson, Nicky :-*) stabbing the holy hell out of everyone he encounters. It's a fun performance, and the movie suffers a bit whenever he's offscreen (particularly toward the middle) but for the most part it's a fun watch.
The lead, C.J. Thomason is (as I might have mentioned) a bit on the bland side, but Lang is so much fun to watch that it doesn't sink the movie. The great Charles S. Dutton plays a cop investigating the murders, and he's a welcome presence in any movie even when he doesn't have a whole lot to do, which is unfortunately the case here.
All things considered it's a slick, above-average TV movie. The story is solid and well-told, it has a wickedly humorous streak running through it, and there was even a moment that made me jump, which is all too rare these days. Also, it was written by Blue Ruin star Macon Blair which made me want to watch that again, so that's gotta be another point in its corner.
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