The Old Dark House/Satan's Little Helper/Halloween III: Season of the Witch
Now that Halloween is here to bring Scary Movie Month to a close, I figured I might as well go all out. Every day this month I've watched a new-to-me movie, so today it's two of those plus a perennial Halloween favorite.
I started with The Old Dark House because it ain't Halloween without a bit of Karloff and because Horror-Hound Hollywood Heath Holland recommended it earlier this month. It was great, and I have no idea why people seem to have forgotten it. It's gothic horror with the same light touch that director James Whale brought to The Bride of Frankenstein. Also, this was the first Hollywood film of Charles Laughton, who would go on to direct one of my favorite movies of all time, The Night of the Hunter (another great Scary Movie Month choice if you haven't seen it).
It leans more toward comedy than horror, but the gloomy atmosphere lends itself nicely to the Halloween season. Elspeth Dudgeon (a woman) is particularly memorable as the 100+ year old patriarch of the crazed family living in the titular house. There's no mistaking her for a man, but her performance somehow works anyway and it is, as they say, a hoot.
On to Satan's Little Helper. I had to watch it because Adam Riske said some things that made me curious. He said that it's not better than John Carpenter's Halloween, but he'd sooner rewatch it than Halloween. Those are strong words, and while I absolutely understand the concept of respecting or even loving a movie without necessarily wanting to revisit it, my brain still cannot process what he said.
That being said, this isn't a bad movie! I'm not sure if "amiable" is the right word for a movie about a small child befriending a serial killer and becoming his unwitting accomplice, but that's what this movie is. It's an unabashedly goofy little movie that never takes itself too seriously and it's a fun watch. It's all very cheap and silly (and it appears to have been shot with a cell phone) but that's part of the charm. Also, it was a nice surprise to see a cameo from Lisa G of The Howard Stern Show (era).
While I really enjoyed it, there were a lot of things that didn't work, the most egregious of which was the old horror movie trope where somebody kills a masked person only to pull off the mask to find a completely different person than they expected underneath. This happens multiple times in this movie to the same character, to the point where you're left wondering if they have a learning disability. Problems aside, it's still a fun & entertaining movie, even if I can't imagine anyone on the planet choosing to watch it over Halloween. Sorry, Adam!
Finally, we have Halloween III: Season of the Witch, a movie I watch every year on Halloween. It's a movie made by an insane person, possibly a team made up of nothing but insane people, and I love every batshit crazy second of it. It's had a terrible reputation for years because the plot has no connection to the plot of the first two Halloweens, but it's by far my favorite of the sequels (I also like Halloween 4 a lot and I appreciate what H20 was trying to do, but that's pretty much it for the rest of the series). This is a movie unafraid to commit to a crazy premise and that goes a long way with me. If you haven't seen it, forget about the number in the title, it's completely standalone. Watch it and bask in the glory of Tom Atkins' mustache facing off against a diabolical mask-maker and his robot minions who are plotting to wreak havoc on Halloween night with lasers made out of pieces of Stonehenge. No, really.
All in all, it's been a great Scary Movie Month, even with all the crappy movies I sat through. I'm still glad to have the opportunity to see so many new horror movies and chat about them with everyone over at F This Movie! and on Twitter. I appreciate everyone who's read these (especially those who have offered feedback) and I hope everyone's having a safe and fun Halloween! Don't forget to be in front of your TV at 9pm for the big giveaway. Put your mask on and listen for the Silver Shamrock jingle. Happy happy Halloween!
Friday, October 31, 2014
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Scary Movie Month 2014, Day 30
All Hallows' Eve
On Halloween night, two kids and their babysitter sit down to watch an unlabeled VHS tape that was dropped into one of the kids' trick-or-treat bags. This scary videotape, according to shots of the TV while they're watching it, is in anamorphic widescreen so rock on, forward-thinking VHS company!
The tape is our framing device for an anthology consisting of three stories and a wraparound, but I'm using the word story as loosely as possible. There's no real story to any of them, just a collection of nightmarish images that are just as hollow as a pumpkin on Halloween night. Those images can be scary, but truthfully this isn't even a movie that's interested in being scary, it just wants to be as "fucked up" as possible, which is frankly boring to me.
Horror movies tend to (falsely, for the most part) have a reputation of misogyny. That reputation is earned by movies like this in which women exist only to be raped, mutilated, terrorized, and murdered. I defy anyone watching this movie to tell me anything at all about the women in each segment. You can't, because they have zero defining characteristics beyond physical appearance. They're beyond thinly sketched, they're anorexically sketched (I may have made that word up, but you get the idea). That's not to say the male characters are any more fleshed-out (they're not) but the movie revels in violence against women in a way that's leering and ugly. Then again, leering and ugly seems to be this movie'a mission statement, for better or worse. Mostly for worse.
On Halloween night, two kids and their babysitter sit down to watch an unlabeled VHS tape that was dropped into one of the kids' trick-or-treat bags. This scary videotape, according to shots of the TV while they're watching it, is in anamorphic widescreen so rock on, forward-thinking VHS company!
The tape is our framing device for an anthology consisting of three stories and a wraparound, but I'm using the word story as loosely as possible. There's no real story to any of them, just a collection of nightmarish images that are just as hollow as a pumpkin on Halloween night. Those images can be scary, but truthfully this isn't even a movie that's interested in being scary, it just wants to be as "fucked up" as possible, which is frankly boring to me.
Horror movies tend to (falsely, for the most part) have a reputation of misogyny. That reputation is earned by movies like this in which women exist only to be raped, mutilated, terrorized, and murdered. I defy anyone watching this movie to tell me anything at all about the women in each segment. You can't, because they have zero defining characteristics beyond physical appearance. They're beyond thinly sketched, they're anorexically sketched (I may have made that word up, but you get the idea). That's not to say the male characters are any more fleshed-out (they're not) but the movie revels in violence against women in a way that's leering and ugly. Then again, leering and ugly seems to be this movie'a mission statement, for better or worse. Mostly for worse.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Scary Movie Month 2014, Day 29
The Bay
Finally toward the end of it all, Scary Movie Month earns its name. I've watched good, bad, fun, silly, smart, and stupid movies this month, but this was the first that was legitimately, deeply scary. It's found footage (one of the reasons I avoided it until now) but the gimmick works much better here than in most found footage movies, and since the footage comes from multiple sources (news footage, surveillance cams, Skype, vlogs, etc.) the majority of it is not the nausea-inducing shaky-cam that plagues so many found footage movies.
There's something in the polluted waters of the Chesapeake Bay, something deadly. Thousands of dead fish have floated to the surface, and now people are getting sick and dying, quickly and messily. The story is being told by a survivor, along with the conceit that a Julian Assange-type has uncovered and assembled the footage we're seeing to show what really happened despite governmental cover-ups.
Everything is very immediate thanks to it being found footage, which manages to increase the horror of the situation. As we see doctors and the CDC scurrying around trying to figure out what's going on, the sense of impending doom is palpable and legitimately frightening, not dissimilar to Soderbergh's Contagion only much scarier. The ending is a bit abrupt, but the movie is tremendously fast-paced and the scares build throughout. There are even a few solid jump scares on top of the terror that's already building, so there's something for horror fans of all tastes.
The environmental message is of course a bit heavy-handed, but the movie never comes across as preachy. I imagine if, say, Richard Donner had directed it it could've drowned in its obvious politics, but the focus here is on scaring the shit out of you, which it does extremely well. I don't scare easy (at least not when it comes to movies), but this is the real deal. Terrifying.
Finally toward the end of it all, Scary Movie Month earns its name. I've watched good, bad, fun, silly, smart, and stupid movies this month, but this was the first that was legitimately, deeply scary. It's found footage (one of the reasons I avoided it until now) but the gimmick works much better here than in most found footage movies, and since the footage comes from multiple sources (news footage, surveillance cams, Skype, vlogs, etc.) the majority of it is not the nausea-inducing shaky-cam that plagues so many found footage movies.
There's something in the polluted waters of the Chesapeake Bay, something deadly. Thousands of dead fish have floated to the surface, and now people are getting sick and dying, quickly and messily. The story is being told by a survivor, along with the conceit that a Julian Assange-type has uncovered and assembled the footage we're seeing to show what really happened despite governmental cover-ups.
Everything is very immediate thanks to it being found footage, which manages to increase the horror of the situation. As we see doctors and the CDC scurrying around trying to figure out what's going on, the sense of impending doom is palpable and legitimately frightening, not dissimilar to Soderbergh's Contagion only much scarier. The ending is a bit abrupt, but the movie is tremendously fast-paced and the scares build throughout. There are even a few solid jump scares on top of the terror that's already building, so there's something for horror fans of all tastes.
The environmental message is of course a bit heavy-handed, but the movie never comes across as preachy. I imagine if, say, Richard Donner had directed it it could've drowned in its obvious politics, but the focus here is on scaring the shit out of you, which it does extremely well. I don't scare easy (at least not when it comes to movies), but this is the real deal. Terrifying.
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Scary Movie Month 2014, Day 28
The Beast Within
So apparently supernatural rapists are a running theme this month. I didn't plan that and can't say I'm too fond of it, yet here we are.
We open on just-married Ronny Cox and Bibi Besch driving through the woods. Their car breaks down (because movies) and Cox goes to get help, leaving Besch to get raped by a creature in the woods. Cut to 17 years later and their son Michael is exhibiting strange behavior and alarmingly bad dental hygiene. I bet he never even sent the rape-creature a Father's Day card.
It's an oddly structured movie in that it's not a mystery, we know Michael is half-Carol Marcus and half-rapey-woods-monster from the beginning, but the movie sort of treats it like a mystery, as if that might be someone else tearing people's throats out in full close-up. There is a sort-of-reveal toward the end (along with one of the better decapitations I've seen in a movie, so it's got that going for it I guess) but it's deflated by how unsympathetic Michael is to begin with. He's already a part-time monster when we meet him, so we never really get a chance to know who he is outside of that.
The movie is notorious for a transformation scene in the climax, and it's impressively goopy but also very rubbery. While they use similar techniques to the famous transformation in An American Werewolf in London, it's nowhere near as effective and looks nowhere near as good.
It's not a terrible movie, but it's not a particularly good one either. As much as I love the commitment to 80s goopiness, the similarly-themed 50s classic I Was A Teenage Werewolf is still a more consistent and more interesting (and more fun!) watch. Better letter-jacket-attired-monster in that one, too.
So apparently supernatural rapists are a running theme this month. I didn't plan that and can't say I'm too fond of it, yet here we are.
We open on just-married Ronny Cox and Bibi Besch driving through the woods. Their car breaks down (because movies) and Cox goes to get help, leaving Besch to get raped by a creature in the woods. Cut to 17 years later and their son Michael is exhibiting strange behavior and alarmingly bad dental hygiene. I bet he never even sent the rape-creature a Father's Day card.
It's an oddly structured movie in that it's not a mystery, we know Michael is half-Carol Marcus and half-rapey-woods-monster from the beginning, but the movie sort of treats it like a mystery, as if that might be someone else tearing people's throats out in full close-up. There is a sort-of-reveal toward the end (along with one of the better decapitations I've seen in a movie, so it's got that going for it I guess) but it's deflated by how unsympathetic Michael is to begin with. He's already a part-time monster when we meet him, so we never really get a chance to know who he is outside of that.
The movie is notorious for a transformation scene in the climax, and it's impressively goopy but also very rubbery. While they use similar techniques to the famous transformation in An American Werewolf in London, it's nowhere near as effective and looks nowhere near as good.
It's not a terrible movie, but it's not a particularly good one either. As much as I love the commitment to 80s goopiness, the similarly-themed 50s classic I Was A Teenage Werewolf is still a more consistent and more interesting (and more fun!) watch. Better letter-jacket-attired-monster in that one, too.
Monday, October 27, 2014
Scary Movie Month 2014, Day 27
The Battery
Well, it took 27 days of swimming through Andy Dufresne's sewage-choked escape route to get here, but I've finally found this year's Dead & Buried, i.e. the one movie that stands head and shoulders above everything else I saw throughout Scary Movie Month. This is a truly great movie.
Zombies have been overdone to the point where I find myself actively avoiding anything featuring them. I love Romero's original Dead trilogy (yes, even Day, sometimes especially Day) and have affection for a few others like Return of the Living Dead, The Serpent & the Rainbow and Dead Heat (sue me, it's fun), but the amount of terrible zombie movies out there far outweighs the good ones. A lot of people I respect adore The Walking Dead but I tapped out two seasons ago, I found it to be an ugly and repetitive mess like so many other zombie stories (including Romero's later work, unfortunately). When looking for something new to watch, zombie movies are typically going to be toward the bottom of the list.
All that being said, The Battery is terrific, and a refreshing change of pace from the typical zombie fare. The story follows two ex-ballplayers who have managed to survive the first wave of the zombie apocalypse and are now traveling across New England, thrown together more by necessity than friendship. That's not to say there's no camaraderie between them (it could get grating if all they did was bicker like the Blair Witch kids, for example) but there's a tension between them that's always simmering beneath the surface. Both lead performances are strong, they each have moments where they could come off as completely unlikable but they somehow never do, even when making decisions that are not necessarily heroic.
There's a particularly audacious scene late in the movie, a single take that runs somewhere around 10 minutes that is so well staged that I didn't even realize I was holding my breath until I let it out before almost passing out. It was a moment so rare in movies, one where I realized I genuinely had no idea where the movie was going that took a situation I've seen in countless movies and made it feel completely fresh. That alone would have made this movie a win for me, but I found it genuinely engaging from beginning to end and giving me a zombie movie I've never seen before. I'm impressed, and I'm excited about whatever writer-director-star Jeremy Gardner does next.
Well, it took 27 days of swimming through Andy Dufresne's sewage-choked escape route to get here, but I've finally found this year's Dead & Buried, i.e. the one movie that stands head and shoulders above everything else I saw throughout Scary Movie Month. This is a truly great movie.
Zombies have been overdone to the point where I find myself actively avoiding anything featuring them. I love Romero's original Dead trilogy (yes, even Day, sometimes especially Day) and have affection for a few others like Return of the Living Dead, The Serpent & the Rainbow and Dead Heat (sue me, it's fun), but the amount of terrible zombie movies out there far outweighs the good ones. A lot of people I respect adore The Walking Dead but I tapped out two seasons ago, I found it to be an ugly and repetitive mess like so many other zombie stories (including Romero's later work, unfortunately). When looking for something new to watch, zombie movies are typically going to be toward the bottom of the list.
All that being said, The Battery is terrific, and a refreshing change of pace from the typical zombie fare. The story follows two ex-ballplayers who have managed to survive the first wave of the zombie apocalypse and are now traveling across New England, thrown together more by necessity than friendship. That's not to say there's no camaraderie between them (it could get grating if all they did was bicker like the Blair Witch kids, for example) but there's a tension between them that's always simmering beneath the surface. Both lead performances are strong, they each have moments where they could come off as completely unlikable but they somehow never do, even when making decisions that are not necessarily heroic.
There's a particularly audacious scene late in the movie, a single take that runs somewhere around 10 minutes that is so well staged that I didn't even realize I was holding my breath until I let it out before almost passing out. It was a moment so rare in movies, one where I realized I genuinely had no idea where the movie was going that took a situation I've seen in countless movies and made it feel completely fresh. That alone would have made this movie a win for me, but I found it genuinely engaging from beginning to end and giving me a zombie movie I've never seen before. I'm impressed, and I'm excited about whatever writer-director-star Jeremy Gardner does next.
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Scary Movie Month 2014, Day 26
The Entity
Director Sidney J. Furie, who gave us the godawful Superman IV: The Quest For Peace and the #HeavyAction classic The Taking of Beverly Hills dips his toes into the well-populated waters of supernatural horror and creates, well, a Sidney J. Furie movie. On that note, I owe Paul Verhoeven a letter of apology. I thought Hollow Man was the sleaziest possible take on The Invisible Man, but Furie has proven me very, very wrong.
Here Furie presents a supposedly true story. When the poster says "based on a true story" and the credits say "based on a novel by" it seems like a contradiction. Novels are fiction, and of course fiction can be based on truth but still...pick a lane, movie. Considering Barbara Hershey is raped by a ghost in the first five minutes, I'm gonna go ahead and consider this a work of fiction. Such is my bias when it comes to ghosts, rapey or otherwise. The ghost keeps raping her throughout the movie ad nauseum, including once in front of her children which is the most vile thing I've seen on screen all month (and I remind you I sat through ABCs of Death 2 this month).
In between all the ghost-raping there's Ron Silver and Alex Rocco taking this all too seriously. Maybe they think they're making The Exorcist, but they're not even making Exorcist II: The Heretic. Congratulations, Sidney. You managed to make a movie I like less than Superman IV.
Also, bonus points for having one of the worst scores I've ever heard, each "haunting" is accompanied by an electric pounding that sounds like a migraine set to music.
Director Sidney J. Furie, who gave us the godawful Superman IV: The Quest For Peace and the #HeavyAction classic The Taking of Beverly Hills dips his toes into the well-populated waters of supernatural horror and creates, well, a Sidney J. Furie movie. On that note, I owe Paul Verhoeven a letter of apology. I thought Hollow Man was the sleaziest possible take on The Invisible Man, but Furie has proven me very, very wrong.
Here Furie presents a supposedly true story. When the poster says "based on a true story" and the credits say "based on a novel by" it seems like a contradiction. Novels are fiction, and of course fiction can be based on truth but still...pick a lane, movie. Considering Barbara Hershey is raped by a ghost in the first five minutes, I'm gonna go ahead and consider this a work of fiction. Such is my bias when it comes to ghosts, rapey or otherwise. The ghost keeps raping her throughout the movie ad nauseum, including once in front of her children which is the most vile thing I've seen on screen all month (and I remind you I sat through ABCs of Death 2 this month).
In between all the ghost-raping there's Ron Silver and Alex Rocco taking this all too seriously. Maybe they think they're making The Exorcist, but they're not even making Exorcist II: The Heretic. Congratulations, Sidney. You managed to make a movie I like less than Superman IV.
Also, bonus points for having one of the worst scores I've ever heard, each "haunting" is accompanied by an electric pounding that sounds like a migraine set to music.
Saturday, October 25, 2014
Scary Movie Month 2014, Day 25
Chopping Mall
Sorry to steal Patrick Bromley's thing here, but while I was warned that this one was awful, it wasn't. It was...fine. Those who are familiar with Patrick know precisely the tone of frustration mixed with resignation with which that "fine" should be said.
For an 80s movie directed by Jim Wynorski and featuring teens being hunted through a mall by laser-equipped killer robots, it still manages to feel utterly generic. Cameos by the likes of Paul Bartel, Mary Woronov, and Dick Miller are always welcome, but they don't do the movie any favors in the "I haven't seen this before" department.
The characters are the thinnest of cardboard, not even the sturdy corrugated stuff. I've already forgotten all their names, and I finished watching it maybe 10 minutes before I wrote this sentence. Still, it's not actively bad and there are a few fun moments (one very cheap head-explosion in particular made me laugh out loud) but it's not good either, and certainly not worthy of either great title (apparently "Chopping Mall" was the title once it hit video, the original title was the more generic but also more apt "Killbots"). Lastly, I've said it before and I'll say it again: stop wasting Gerrit Graham, movies! He's the best, and one scene ain't enough to enjoy it.
Sorry to steal Patrick Bromley's thing here, but while I was warned that this one was awful, it wasn't. It was...fine. Those who are familiar with Patrick know precisely the tone of frustration mixed with resignation with which that "fine" should be said.
For an 80s movie directed by Jim Wynorski and featuring teens being hunted through a mall by laser-equipped killer robots, it still manages to feel utterly generic. Cameos by the likes of Paul Bartel, Mary Woronov, and Dick Miller are always welcome, but they don't do the movie any favors in the "I haven't seen this before" department.
The characters are the thinnest of cardboard, not even the sturdy corrugated stuff. I've already forgotten all their names, and I finished watching it maybe 10 minutes before I wrote this sentence. Still, it's not actively bad and there are a few fun moments (one very cheap head-explosion in particular made me laugh out loud) but it's not good either, and certainly not worthy of either great title (apparently "Chopping Mall" was the title once it hit video, the original title was the more generic but also more apt "Killbots"). Lastly, I've said it before and I'll say it again: stop wasting Gerrit Graham, movies! He's the best, and one scene ain't enough to enjoy it.
Friday, October 24, 2014
Scary Movie Month 2014, Day 24
V/H/S: Viral
Well, that was underwhelming.
The third entry in the found-footage anthology series is the weakest by a pretty wide margin, which is saying something considering the first two are already not very good. Outside of Gareth Huw Evans & Timo Tjahjanto's excellent "Safe Haven" segment from V/H/S/2 nothing in any of these movies has been particularly scary or satisfying, and this may be the least satisfying entry of all.
This is (thankfully) the shortest of the series, featuring only 3 stories plus the required awful wraparound (waiter, this food is terrible. And such small portions!). The middle story, from time/interdimensional-travel fetishist Nacho Vigalondo is challenging in a good way at first, but quickly devolves into a mess of aliens, infidelity (sorta), and monster genitalia. That said, the brutal note that the story ends on feels earned, making it the only moderately satisfying story in the movie.
The other stories, one about a rogue magician and the other about the most obnoxious skate punks ever committed to film facing off against a Mexican death cult, are more straightforward than Vigalondo's, but neither are terribly compelling. When you find yourself rooting for personality-free Mexican murderskeletons to violently kill the "heroes" of a story, that's probably not a sign of quality work.
As for the wraparound, it's overstuffed and nonsensical almost to the point of parody. Except for one wince-inducing moment involving bare feet on gravel there isn't anything effective in the wraparound. It seems to think that it's making some sort of statement about viral videos and the quest for "fame" surrounding them, but like the rest of the movie it simply has nothing worthwhile to say.
Apparently a fourth story was shot but removed from the film at the last minute. I can't even imagine a story that would be deemed a bad fit for an anthology that already stinks, but I can't deny my curiosity. I still think a found-footage anthology can be done well, even if it hasn't yet (and this entry does away with the found-VHS conceit of the first two almost entirely) so I'm certain I'll still watch it if and when V/H/S/4 comes along. I'm already dreading it, but I'll watch it.
Well, that was underwhelming.
The third entry in the found-footage anthology series is the weakest by a pretty wide margin, which is saying something considering the first two are already not very good. Outside of Gareth Huw Evans & Timo Tjahjanto's excellent "Safe Haven" segment from V/H/S/2 nothing in any of these movies has been particularly scary or satisfying, and this may be the least satisfying entry of all.
This is (thankfully) the shortest of the series, featuring only 3 stories plus the required awful wraparound (waiter, this food is terrible. And such small portions!). The middle story, from time/interdimensional-travel fetishist Nacho Vigalondo is challenging in a good way at first, but quickly devolves into a mess of aliens, infidelity (sorta), and monster genitalia. That said, the brutal note that the story ends on feels earned, making it the only moderately satisfying story in the movie.
The other stories, one about a rogue magician and the other about the most obnoxious skate punks ever committed to film facing off against a Mexican death cult, are more straightforward than Vigalondo's, but neither are terribly compelling. When you find yourself rooting for personality-free Mexican murderskeletons to violently kill the "heroes" of a story, that's probably not a sign of quality work.
As for the wraparound, it's overstuffed and nonsensical almost to the point of parody. Except for one wince-inducing moment involving bare feet on gravel there isn't anything effective in the wraparound. It seems to think that it's making some sort of statement about viral videos and the quest for "fame" surrounding them, but like the rest of the movie it simply has nothing worthwhile to say.
Apparently a fourth story was shot but removed from the film at the last minute. I can't even imagine a story that would be deemed a bad fit for an anthology that already stinks, but I can't deny my curiosity. I still think a found-footage anthology can be done well, even if it hasn't yet (and this entry does away with the found-VHS conceit of the first two almost entirely) so I'm certain I'll still watch it if and when V/H/S/4 comes along. I'm already dreading it, but I'll watch it.
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Scary Movie Month 2014, Day 23
Look What's Happened to Rosemary's Baby
Nothing good, that's what.
I briefly considered writing nothing but "fuck you, movie" but I'm afraid that if I were to do that then the two people who read my blog might actually consider watching this monstrosity to see what provoked that reaction, so this is less of a review and more of a warning. Don't watch this movie. It's not entertainingly bad, it's just depressingly bad.
Remember when Tommy Lee Jones won the Oscar for The Fugitive and everybody on the planet loved him for 10 minutes and then he starred in the sequel U.S. Marshals and he learned the hard way that he was no longer America's sweetheart? Well he had it much, much easier than poor Ruth Gordon, reprising her Oscar-winning role of Minnie Castevet here. This was a made-for-TV sequel that completely squanders any goodwill generated by love of the original. It's clumsy, ugly, pointless, and dumber than the proverbial bag of hammers. Gordon is completely wasted, as are Ray Milland, Broderick Crawford, Patty Duke, and a host of other people that you'd think would've had better agents.
The only person who comes out of this relatively unscathed is Stephen McHattie, who plays Adrian, son of Rosemary (side note: Ira Levin, who wrote the novel Rosemary's Baby also penned a sequel of his own many years after this called Son of Rosemary, and it's just as execrable as this. Maybe some things just don't need sequels, eh?). McHattie has a certain lizardy presence that you'd expect from the son of Satan, but he rarely gets an opportunity to exhibit it.
There's an ill-conceived musical number (no, really) toward the third act that is clearly trying to be shocking but just comes off as unbearably silly. It's all just a nonsensical mess that never even manages to cross the line into interesting-bad. This is the worst movie I've seen so far this month by a wide margin. In fact, it's the worst movie I've seen so far this year. Shameful, and rightfully forgotten.
Nothing good, that's what.
I briefly considered writing nothing but "fuck you, movie" but I'm afraid that if I were to do that then the two people who read my blog might actually consider watching this monstrosity to see what provoked that reaction, so this is less of a review and more of a warning. Don't watch this movie. It's not entertainingly bad, it's just depressingly bad.
Remember when Tommy Lee Jones won the Oscar for The Fugitive and everybody on the planet loved him for 10 minutes and then he starred in the sequel U.S. Marshals and he learned the hard way that he was no longer America's sweetheart? Well he had it much, much easier than poor Ruth Gordon, reprising her Oscar-winning role of Minnie Castevet here. This was a made-for-TV sequel that completely squanders any goodwill generated by love of the original. It's clumsy, ugly, pointless, and dumber than the proverbial bag of hammers. Gordon is completely wasted, as are Ray Milland, Broderick Crawford, Patty Duke, and a host of other people that you'd think would've had better agents.
The only person who comes out of this relatively unscathed is Stephen McHattie, who plays Adrian, son of Rosemary (side note: Ira Levin, who wrote the novel Rosemary's Baby also penned a sequel of his own many years after this called Son of Rosemary, and it's just as execrable as this. Maybe some things just don't need sequels, eh?). McHattie has a certain lizardy presence that you'd expect from the son of Satan, but he rarely gets an opportunity to exhibit it.
There's an ill-conceived musical number (no, really) toward the third act that is clearly trying to be shocking but just comes off as unbearably silly. It's all just a nonsensical mess that never even manages to cross the line into interesting-bad. This is the worst movie I've seen so far this month by a wide margin. In fact, it's the worst movie I've seen so far this year. Shameful, and rightfully forgotten.
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Scary Movie Month 2014, Day 22
Detention
Is "overcaffeinated" a term that can apply to movies? Because that's how this one felt. I enjoyed it for the most part, but every frame buzzes with crazy energy that is frankly exhausting by the end. Stylistically it's sort of the love child of Scott Pilgrim vs the World and the Crank movies, which is an odd energy to apply to a slasher/sci-fi/comedy pastiche. At the very least, I certainly haven't seen anything else quite like it, even though it wears its influences proudly on its sleeve.
Devin Faraci at Badass Digest described it as "a movie that jumps from idea to idea with the speed of a teen clicking browser tabs" and I can't think of a better way to distill the style of this movie into a single sentence. As exhausting as it was (and it was!) the more I think about the movie the more I kinda love it.
Shanley Caswell is a revelation in the lead. I only know her from The Conjuring, but she juggles what on paper should be conflicting tones and still remains warm, human, funny, and surprisingly relatable. It would be so easy to go over the top cartoony with her part, but she never does. All the performances are pitched just enough south of over the top that it keeps the movie from devolving into camp. Even Dane Cook is good, and how often do you get to say that? Maybe he was meant to be a character actor, Mr. Brooks is a great movie too.
I've never seen Torque, director Joseph Kahn's debut feature, but I'll definitely be seeking it out after Scary Movie Month. I'm still sort of shocked how consistently funny and engaging this was. It could have been a headache-inducing case of overwhelming style (I'm looking at you, Speed Racer) but it never gets to a point where it feels like a chore. Kahn is sprinting ahead and trusting the audience to keep up, and that kind of audacity deserves recognition regardless of how you feel about the (very very divisive) final product. I'm already excited to watch it again.
Is "overcaffeinated" a term that can apply to movies? Because that's how this one felt. I enjoyed it for the most part, but every frame buzzes with crazy energy that is frankly exhausting by the end. Stylistically it's sort of the love child of Scott Pilgrim vs the World and the Crank movies, which is an odd energy to apply to a slasher/sci-fi/comedy pastiche. At the very least, I certainly haven't seen anything else quite like it, even though it wears its influences proudly on its sleeve.
Devin Faraci at Badass Digest described it as "a movie that jumps from idea to idea with the speed of a teen clicking browser tabs" and I can't think of a better way to distill the style of this movie into a single sentence. As exhausting as it was (and it was!) the more I think about the movie the more I kinda love it.
Shanley Caswell is a revelation in the lead. I only know her from The Conjuring, but she juggles what on paper should be conflicting tones and still remains warm, human, funny, and surprisingly relatable. It would be so easy to go over the top cartoony with her part, but she never does. All the performances are pitched just enough south of over the top that it keeps the movie from devolving into camp. Even Dane Cook is good, and how often do you get to say that? Maybe he was meant to be a character actor, Mr. Brooks is a great movie too.
I've never seen Torque, director Joseph Kahn's debut feature, but I'll definitely be seeking it out after Scary Movie Month. I'm still sort of shocked how consistently funny and engaging this was. It could have been a headache-inducing case of overwhelming style (I'm looking at you, Speed Racer) but it never gets to a point where it feels like a chore. Kahn is sprinting ahead and trusting the audience to keep up, and that kind of audacity deserves recognition regardless of how you feel about the (very very divisive) final product. I'm already excited to watch it again.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Scary Movie Month 2014, Day 21
The Mutilator
This is an odd case in that it's both completely by-the-numbers and also thoroughly batshit. A group of 35-year-old kids spend "Fall Break" (because that's a thing?) at an abandoned beach condo and are systematically murdered by a lunatic with a great deal of sharp objects at his disposal.
It's a pretty standard stalk-and-slash for the most part, but has enough of an offbeat vibe that it's pretty entertaining. It opens and closes with a goofy, incongruous pop song (called Fall Break because, as previously established, that is totally a thing that exists) and features a handful of surprisingly grisly kills. There's a scene involving an oversize fish hook that legitimately made me wince, and the moment that the villain is dispatched is so crazy that it has to be seen to be believed. The flashback that sets the events in motion is also somewhere on the border between tasteless and hilarious.
The characters are fairly standard, but I couldn't help but like the practical joker of the group (played by Earth 2 Steve Lawrence, I believe). There's a scene early on where he tries to con a convenience store clerk into giving him 10% off a six-pack of beer that's just dopey enough to cross the line into charming. I have a soft spot for this character type, though. I blame my childhood hero Larry Zerner.
This is an odd case in that it's both completely by-the-numbers and also thoroughly batshit. A group of 35-year-old kids spend "Fall Break" (because that's a thing?) at an abandoned beach condo and are systematically murdered by a lunatic with a great deal of sharp objects at his disposal.
It's a pretty standard stalk-and-slash for the most part, but has enough of an offbeat vibe that it's pretty entertaining. It opens and closes with a goofy, incongruous pop song (called Fall Break because, as previously established, that is totally a thing that exists) and features a handful of surprisingly grisly kills. There's a scene involving an oversize fish hook that legitimately made me wince, and the moment that the villain is dispatched is so crazy that it has to be seen to be believed. The flashback that sets the events in motion is also somewhere on the border between tasteless and hilarious.
The characters are fairly standard, but I couldn't help but like the practical joker of the group (played by Earth 2 Steve Lawrence, I believe). There's a scene early on where he tries to con a convenience store clerk into giving him 10% off a six-pack of beer that's just dopey enough to cross the line into charming. I have a soft spot for this character type, though. I blame my childhood hero Larry Zerner.
Monday, October 20, 2014
Scary Movie Month 2014, Day 20
Boy Eats Girl
That worked much better than it had any right to. It's the age-old tale: boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy dies in a bizarre drunken accident, boy is resurrected by his well-meaning mother, boy craves the taste of human flesh. You know how it goes. As zombie comedies go it's certainly no Shaun of the Dead, but it's also not Warm Bodies so let's chalk that up as a win, shall we?
This Irish production is full of charming, funny performances (and Samantha Mumba is a stone fox on top of being charming and funny) and for a movie about ravenous zombies the humor is nicely low-key, at least until things go all Grand Guignol in the last act. About that last act, it's filled to the brim with silly, fun, PRACTICAL splatter. This is the rare movie made in the 2000s with no discernible CGI, which makes me love it that much more. If I hadn't already been in its corner, that last act would have firmly put me there. It doesn't quite reach Re-Animator or Dead Alive heights of delirium in the final act, but it still has quite a bit of fun squickiness up its decaying sleeve.
At a brisk 80 minutes, not only does it not overstay its welcome, it actually suffers a bit from being too short. Once Nathan (the boy of the title) accidentally kills himself, the resurrection takes place immediately over a montage so there's about a minute between him dead and him sitting at the kitchen table, there's not much room for any of it to sink in. That's a fairly minor quibble, though, as the abbreviated running time helps the movie stay funny and not get too sidetracked with anything resembling actual human emotion. That may sound like a slam, but it's not. Sometimes a silly little lark like this is exactly what you need in the middle of Scary Movie Month, and it fit the bill nicely.
That worked much better than it had any right to. It's the age-old tale: boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy dies in a bizarre drunken accident, boy is resurrected by his well-meaning mother, boy craves the taste of human flesh. You know how it goes. As zombie comedies go it's certainly no Shaun of the Dead, but it's also not Warm Bodies so let's chalk that up as a win, shall we?
This Irish production is full of charming, funny performances (and Samantha Mumba is a stone fox on top of being charming and funny) and for a movie about ravenous zombies the humor is nicely low-key, at least until things go all Grand Guignol in the last act. About that last act, it's filled to the brim with silly, fun, PRACTICAL splatter. This is the rare movie made in the 2000s with no discernible CGI, which makes me love it that much more. If I hadn't already been in its corner, that last act would have firmly put me there. It doesn't quite reach Re-Animator or Dead Alive heights of delirium in the final act, but it still has quite a bit of fun squickiness up its decaying sleeve.
At a brisk 80 minutes, not only does it not overstay its welcome, it actually suffers a bit from being too short. Once Nathan (the boy of the title) accidentally kills himself, the resurrection takes place immediately over a montage so there's about a minute between him dead and him sitting at the kitchen table, there's not much room for any of it to sink in. That's a fairly minor quibble, though, as the abbreviated running time helps the movie stay funny and not get too sidetracked with anything resembling actual human emotion. That may sound like a slam, but it's not. Sometimes a silly little lark like this is exactly what you need in the middle of Scary Movie Month, and it fit the bill nicely.
Sunday, October 19, 2014
Scary Movie Month 2014, Day 19
Nightbreed (director's cut)
I like to think that there's a parallel universe somewhere where David Cronenberg has a career like Sydney Pollack where he's not only an in-demand and commercially successful director, but also a beloved and dependable character actor. He's so much fun to watch on screen that I really wish he'd act more, and I believe that Nightbreed is the movie in which he has the most screen time. He doesn't have a whole lot more to do in this cut than he does in the theatrical, but his Decker is still my favorite thing about either version.
In truth, despite the claim of 40 minutes of all-new footage, the two versions of the movie don't play out terribly differently. Having watched the two cuts of Halloween 6 earlier this month, those played like almost completely different movies from each other. Here the movies are pretty much the same, only with a few more monsters running around in the longer cut.
The most major changes happen in the final act, though I won't go into detail so as not to spoil it. I will say that I'm a bit bummed to lose the final shot of the theatrical cut, as it's one of my favorite closing shots from any movie. The new ending is still good, just very different. There are other changes scattered about here and there, notably a sinister phone call from Decker and a terrible musical number (no, really) with a badly dubbed Anne Bobby (it's actually her own voice, but her lip movements are distractingly separate from her words) early on.
Both cuts are a mess, but they're equally fun to watch. I may actually prefer the theatrical, but that's probably only because I've lived with it for almost 25 years now. Also, they removed the country-fried cover of Oingo Boingo's "Skin" from the movie and from the end credits. What the hell, movie?
I've always enjoyed the theatrical cut despite it not actually being very good. It's a movie that loves monsters, and I love the way it revels in monsters just as much as the golden age of Universal Pictures. The monsters are the heroes, and that goes a long way with lifelong horror fans. That love is still front and center in the director's cut, and the wildly imaginative practical effects are (even when bad, which some are) so full of creativity and spirit that you want the cut to be even longer because you want to spend more time wandering around Midian, the city of monsters at the heart of the movie. I've been a monster kid my whole life, and Nightbreed is one of those movies that showed me I wasn't alone.
Technically speaking, the disc is absolutely phenomenal. Editor Andrew Furtado deserves every award they can throw at him for editing the new footage in seamlessly, if you didn't know in advance that you were watching an alternate cut you'd never know it. It looks beautiful, and is packed with informative and interesting special features, including an enthusiastic commentary track with Clive Barker himself. One thing I learned that I still can't quite wrap my head around: raving monster Peloquin is played by Oliver Parker, who went on a mere 5 years later to direct my favorite version of Othello, the one with Laurence Fishburne, Irene Jacob and Kenneth Branagh. Crazy talk.
I like to think that there's a parallel universe somewhere where David Cronenberg has a career like Sydney Pollack where he's not only an in-demand and commercially successful director, but also a beloved and dependable character actor. He's so much fun to watch on screen that I really wish he'd act more, and I believe that Nightbreed is the movie in which he has the most screen time. He doesn't have a whole lot more to do in this cut than he does in the theatrical, but his Decker is still my favorite thing about either version.
In truth, despite the claim of 40 minutes of all-new footage, the two versions of the movie don't play out terribly differently. Having watched the two cuts of Halloween 6 earlier this month, those played like almost completely different movies from each other. Here the movies are pretty much the same, only with a few more monsters running around in the longer cut.
The most major changes happen in the final act, though I won't go into detail so as not to spoil it. I will say that I'm a bit bummed to lose the final shot of the theatrical cut, as it's one of my favorite closing shots from any movie. The new ending is still good, just very different. There are other changes scattered about here and there, notably a sinister phone call from Decker and a terrible musical number (no, really) with a badly dubbed Anne Bobby (it's actually her own voice, but her lip movements are distractingly separate from her words) early on.
Both cuts are a mess, but they're equally fun to watch. I may actually prefer the theatrical, but that's probably only because I've lived with it for almost 25 years now. Also, they removed the country-fried cover of Oingo Boingo's "Skin" from the movie and from the end credits. What the hell, movie?
I've always enjoyed the theatrical cut despite it not actually being very good. It's a movie that loves monsters, and I love the way it revels in monsters just as much as the golden age of Universal Pictures. The monsters are the heroes, and that goes a long way with lifelong horror fans. That love is still front and center in the director's cut, and the wildly imaginative practical effects are (even when bad, which some are) so full of creativity and spirit that you want the cut to be even longer because you want to spend more time wandering around Midian, the city of monsters at the heart of the movie. I've been a monster kid my whole life, and Nightbreed is one of those movies that showed me I wasn't alone.
Technically speaking, the disc is absolutely phenomenal. Editor Andrew Furtado deserves every award they can throw at him for editing the new footage in seamlessly, if you didn't know in advance that you were watching an alternate cut you'd never know it. It looks beautiful, and is packed with informative and interesting special features, including an enthusiastic commentary track with Clive Barker himself. One thing I learned that I still can't quite wrap my head around: raving monster Peloquin is played by Oliver Parker, who went on a mere 5 years later to direct my favorite version of Othello, the one with Laurence Fishburne, Irene Jacob and Kenneth Branagh. Crazy talk.
Saturday, October 18, 2014
Scary Movie Month 2014, Day 18
Necronomicon
More importantly than anything else, this completes the Alien Nation hat trick because Gary Graham is in one scene as an abusive boyfriend. I'm sure everyone at the local chapter of the Tenctonese labor union is very excited about this.
Onto the movie itself, it's pretty fun. It's an anthology of three Lovecraft-inspired stories (not exactly straight adaptations, but close) with a framing story centered around Lovecraft himself, played by an excellent Jeffrey Combs. Combs is so good that it made me want to see him in an actual Lovecraft biopic rather than just in the wraparound segments of a low-budget horror anthology.
The stories are pretty solid, and being Lovecraft they're full of all the darkness, gore, and squishy fish-monsters that you'd expect. There are also some strong performances from the likes of Bruce Payne (the villain in Passenger 57 who didn't bet on black), Richard Lynch, and David Warner.
Some of the effects are distractingly cheap, but each of the three stories has at least one standout moment of either memorable gore or extreme creepiness. The movie as a whole actually has a surprisingly consistent tone and allows for moments that are darkly humorous without descending into full-on camp, which can be pretty easy to do when your movie is stuffed to the gills (I'm so, so sorry) with Lovecraftian ocean creatures. While the movie is smart enough not to take itself too seriously, it never resorts to jokiness or anything that betrays the horrific tone. The stories don't overstay their welcome, and they're woven together in a way that feels cohesive which is all too rare in horror anthologies. It's no Amicus production, but it's a solidly old-school horror anthology in that vein. Cthulhu would be proud.
More importantly than anything else, this completes the Alien Nation hat trick because Gary Graham is in one scene as an abusive boyfriend. I'm sure everyone at the local chapter of the Tenctonese labor union is very excited about this.
Onto the movie itself, it's pretty fun. It's an anthology of three Lovecraft-inspired stories (not exactly straight adaptations, but close) with a framing story centered around Lovecraft himself, played by an excellent Jeffrey Combs. Combs is so good that it made me want to see him in an actual Lovecraft biopic rather than just in the wraparound segments of a low-budget horror anthology.
The stories are pretty solid, and being Lovecraft they're full of all the darkness, gore, and squishy fish-monsters that you'd expect. There are also some strong performances from the likes of Bruce Payne (the villain in Passenger 57 who didn't bet on black), Richard Lynch, and David Warner.
Some of the effects are distractingly cheap, but each of the three stories has at least one standout moment of either memorable gore or extreme creepiness. The movie as a whole actually has a surprisingly consistent tone and allows for moments that are darkly humorous without descending into full-on camp, which can be pretty easy to do when your movie is stuffed to the gills (I'm so, so sorry) with Lovecraftian ocean creatures. While the movie is smart enough not to take itself too seriously, it never resorts to jokiness or anything that betrays the horrific tone. The stories don't overstay their welcome, and they're woven together in a way that feels cohesive which is all too rare in horror anthologies. It's no Amicus production, but it's a solidly old-school horror anthology in that vein. Cthulhu would be proud.
Friday, October 17, 2014
Scary Movie Month 2014, Day 17
The Final Terror
I'm kind of torn on this one. On one hand, I'm incredibly grateful to Scream Factory for finding a way to assemble a cut of a movie cobbled together from various collector's prints which had until now never been released on home video. On the other hand, the movie is not very good.
A group of forest rangers are out camping in the woods, so as you might expect there is someone waiting in the woods to cut them into bite-size pieces. The setting is actually used fairly well (when you can see what's going on...the night scenes are DARK) and there are a few genuinely tense moments, but the movie mostly left me cold.
I think the main thing that didn't work for me was the characters. I appreciate that they were older than the intended victims in most slasher movies tend to be, I just found them to be mostly unlikable. A lot of their interplay came across as fairly obnoxious, so I wasn't rooting for them the way the movie seemed to be hoping I would.
It was directed by Andrew Davis, who would go on to make The Fugitive and Under Siege, and who was also smart enough to turn down the offer to direct the sequels to either of those. There are a few flashes of his talent, especially as the movie goes completely batshit in its final act. The last 15 minutes or so may actually be worth sitting through the whole thing. Then again, who doesn't want to see Adrian Zmed menaced by a knife-wielding maniac? He kind of deserves it just for Grease 2.
I'm kind of torn on this one. On one hand, I'm incredibly grateful to Scream Factory for finding a way to assemble a cut of a movie cobbled together from various collector's prints which had until now never been released on home video. On the other hand, the movie is not very good.
A group of forest rangers are out camping in the woods, so as you might expect there is someone waiting in the woods to cut them into bite-size pieces. The setting is actually used fairly well (when you can see what's going on...the night scenes are DARK) and there are a few genuinely tense moments, but the movie mostly left me cold.
I think the main thing that didn't work for me was the characters. I appreciate that they were older than the intended victims in most slasher movies tend to be, I just found them to be mostly unlikable. A lot of their interplay came across as fairly obnoxious, so I wasn't rooting for them the way the movie seemed to be hoping I would.
It was directed by Andrew Davis, who would go on to make The Fugitive and Under Siege, and who was also smart enough to turn down the offer to direct the sequels to either of those. There are a few flashes of his talent, especially as the movie goes completely batshit in its final act. The last 15 minutes or so may actually be worth sitting through the whole thing. Then again, who doesn't want to see Adrian Zmed menaced by a knife-wielding maniac? He kind of deserves it just for Grease 2.
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Scary Movie Month 2014, Day 16
Invaders From Mars (1986)
Allegedly cocaine-fueled Tobe Hooper is the best of all possible Tobe Hoopers. This, while a far cry from CokeTobe's best work, is still a pretty fun take on 50's alien invasion movies.
Terrible kid actor Hunter Carson (I was warned about his performance but not nearly enough, he was truly awful. Also, it should be noted that he runs exactly like Steven Seagal, which is never not hilarious) is David, our hero. This is problematic, because within minutes we're rooting for aliens to eat him.
Anyway, David stumbles upon an alien conspiracy to take over his neighborhood, which leads to a great deal of slimy goings on about town. Karen Black (Hunter's real-life mom, sadly) is the school nurse and also the only person who believes David that they're in deep slime. Things are a bit more fun in the first half, once they head into the alien's lair the movie starts to drag a bit and never quite recovers, but there's still plenty of silly fun to be had.
My favorite CokeTobe movie (and favorite Hooper movie in general, probably) is Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, and that movie has a crazy cartoon energy that he's never matched since, even in a movie like this that's just as cartoonish only actually meant for kids so it can wear those influences right on its sleeve. While it's missing that crazed anarchic spirit, it still revels in a very specific sort of artificiality that I really enjoy. Sets that look like sets, actors going just a notch too high over the top, rubber-suited aliens...if these are things that make you smile, you're gonna find a lot to love here. Also, Eric Pierpoint with hair, making him the second Alien Nation alumni I've encountered this month (the lovely Teri Treas, also with hair, was in The Nest). Hopefully Gary Graham will turn up in something soon so I can get the hat trick.
Allegedly cocaine-fueled Tobe Hooper is the best of all possible Tobe Hoopers. This, while a far cry from CokeTobe's best work, is still a pretty fun take on 50's alien invasion movies.
Terrible kid actor Hunter Carson (I was warned about his performance but not nearly enough, he was truly awful. Also, it should be noted that he runs exactly like Steven Seagal, which is never not hilarious) is David, our hero. This is problematic, because within minutes we're rooting for aliens to eat him.
Anyway, David stumbles upon an alien conspiracy to take over his neighborhood, which leads to a great deal of slimy goings on about town. Karen Black (Hunter's real-life mom, sadly) is the school nurse and also the only person who believes David that they're in deep slime. Things are a bit more fun in the first half, once they head into the alien's lair the movie starts to drag a bit and never quite recovers, but there's still plenty of silly fun to be had.
My favorite CokeTobe movie (and favorite Hooper movie in general, probably) is Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, and that movie has a crazy cartoon energy that he's never matched since, even in a movie like this that's just as cartoonish only actually meant for kids so it can wear those influences right on its sleeve. While it's missing that crazed anarchic spirit, it still revels in a very specific sort of artificiality that I really enjoy. Sets that look like sets, actors going just a notch too high over the top, rubber-suited aliens...if these are things that make you smile, you're gonna find a lot to love here. Also, Eric Pierpoint with hair, making him the second Alien Nation alumni I've encountered this month (the lovely Teri Treas, also with hair, was in The Nest). Hopefully Gary Graham will turn up in something soon so I can get the hat trick.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Scary Movie Month 2014, Day 15
Big Ass Spider!
I am absolutely terrified of spiders. The movie Arachnophobia, a PG-13 affair marketed as a "Thrill-omedy" (!) has probably given me more sleepless nights than any horror movie in history. So, when I first saw posters & such for a movie called Big Ass Spider! two thoughts went through my head: great title, and no fucking way will I ever watch that. Cut to last night, when I listened to an episode of the great Killer POV podcast that featured Mike Mendez, the director of Big Ass Spider! He was funny, enthusiastic, and convinced me to give his movie a try. Spoiler: I'm SO glad I did.
There are movies that pop up on the SyFy Channel every few weeks, you know the type: Sharktopus, Mega Piranha, RoboCroc vs DynaHamster or whatever. The thing they all have in common is that they're uniformly awful. They try so hard to be campy that they just become boring and lifeless, they don't understand that you can't manufacture camp. I cannot stress enough that this is NOT one of those movies, it's a blast from start to finish and it's fun without ever becoming just another generic monster-movie-of-the-week.
I'd go into detail about the plot, but it's all right there in that glorious title. Greg Grunberg (who, for the record, is fantastic and knows exactly what movie he's in) is an exterminator who loves his job, but not in a mean-spirited or sadistic way, he's just a guy who's good at what he does, and what he does is combat spiders. Good thing, because there happens to be a big ass one in town that requires attention.
The movie is fast-paced, consistently funny, and even has moments of genuine suspense. The supporting cast is great (a shame Ray Wise and Lin Shaye never got to share a scene, they were terrific together in Dead End) and the comedy comes from character which is so rarely the case in movies like this. It's never outwardly jokey (ok, maybe a little) but it's solidly funny throughout (and at 80 minutes, it never wears out its welcome). The effects are mostly poor CGI, but as an inveterate arachnophobe I was somewhat glad for that, since the cartoony nature of some of the effects kept my heart from exploding while watching it. Had it been too realistic, I might have been writing this from the back of an ambulance.
This is easily my favorite discovery of the month thus far, and I'm glad I finally gave it a chance. I never thought I'd say this, but I sincerely hope there are more Big Ass Spider!s in my future, and at the very least I'm fully on board for whatever Mike Mendez has up all eight sleeves next.
I am absolutely terrified of spiders. The movie Arachnophobia, a PG-13 affair marketed as a "Thrill-omedy" (!) has probably given me more sleepless nights than any horror movie in history. So, when I first saw posters & such for a movie called Big Ass Spider! two thoughts went through my head: great title, and no fucking way will I ever watch that. Cut to last night, when I listened to an episode of the great Killer POV podcast that featured Mike Mendez, the director of Big Ass Spider! He was funny, enthusiastic, and convinced me to give his movie a try. Spoiler: I'm SO glad I did.
There are movies that pop up on the SyFy Channel every few weeks, you know the type: Sharktopus, Mega Piranha, RoboCroc vs DynaHamster or whatever. The thing they all have in common is that they're uniformly awful. They try so hard to be campy that they just become boring and lifeless, they don't understand that you can't manufacture camp. I cannot stress enough that this is NOT one of those movies, it's a blast from start to finish and it's fun without ever becoming just another generic monster-movie-of-the-week.
I'd go into detail about the plot, but it's all right there in that glorious title. Greg Grunberg (who, for the record, is fantastic and knows exactly what movie he's in) is an exterminator who loves his job, but not in a mean-spirited or sadistic way, he's just a guy who's good at what he does, and what he does is combat spiders. Good thing, because there happens to be a big ass one in town that requires attention.
The movie is fast-paced, consistently funny, and even has moments of genuine suspense. The supporting cast is great (a shame Ray Wise and Lin Shaye never got to share a scene, they were terrific together in Dead End) and the comedy comes from character which is so rarely the case in movies like this. It's never outwardly jokey (ok, maybe a little) but it's solidly funny throughout (and at 80 minutes, it never wears out its welcome). The effects are mostly poor CGI, but as an inveterate arachnophobe I was somewhat glad for that, since the cartoony nature of some of the effects kept my heart from exploding while watching it. Had it been too realistic, I might have been writing this from the back of an ambulance.
This is easily my favorite discovery of the month thus far, and I'm glad I finally gave it a chance. I never thought I'd say this, but I sincerely hope there are more Big Ass Spider!s in my future, and at the very least I'm fully on board for whatever Mike Mendez has up all eight sleeves next.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Scary Movie Month 2014, Day 14
Creep
Now that's more like it. The lovely Franka Potente is locked in the deserted London Underground with a deformed, murderous mutant gentleman and a handful of other potential victims. The movie makes very effective use of the barren Underground and empty trains, there's some honest-to-god horror happening here and it's refreshing after the run of lazy garbage movies that I've been subjecting myself to lately.
Also refreshing is that the movie isn't afraid to allow Potente's character, Kate, to be kind of unlikable. She's not horrible or anything, but she's also not a clichéd heroine with a heart of gold, and she feels more real because of it. Even the final shot (lifted from The Graduate, of all places) feels earned, not phony. That's not to say there aren't any clichés, the story is nothing new and the Saw-like cinematography & lighting leaves a bit to be desired (everything is bathed in sickly greens, yellows, and blues which gets old pretty fast, just because something is unpleasant to look at doesn't necessarily make it scarier). Also, there's a sequence where a guy high on cocaine tries to rape Kate that is frankly unnecessary. The guy was already an asshole, to make him a potential rapist to get the viewer to hate him more is lazy and obnoxious. Be smarter, movie. Trust that we already see the guy as a potential threat without having him menacingly reach for his fly and push Kate into a corner.
Those faults are forgivable, though, because the movie has some terrifically creepy atmosphere and a brisk pace that helps the 85 minute running time breeze by. There are also some pretty nauseating moments, and I mean that in the best way possible. It's all very grim, but not oppressive, which can be a dealbreaker for movies like this. It's much more effective than the premise and generic title suggest, and generally the sort of movie that makes an undertaking like watching a new-to-me horror movie every day of October worthwhile.
Also, have I mentioned Franka Potente? Because DAMN. Franka Potente. Just sayin'.
Now that's more like it. The lovely Franka Potente is locked in the deserted London Underground with a deformed, murderous mutant gentleman and a handful of other potential victims. The movie makes very effective use of the barren Underground and empty trains, there's some honest-to-god horror happening here and it's refreshing after the run of lazy garbage movies that I've been subjecting myself to lately.
Also refreshing is that the movie isn't afraid to allow Potente's character, Kate, to be kind of unlikable. She's not horrible or anything, but she's also not a clichéd heroine with a heart of gold, and she feels more real because of it. Even the final shot (lifted from The Graduate, of all places) feels earned, not phony. That's not to say there aren't any clichés, the story is nothing new and the Saw-like cinematography & lighting leaves a bit to be desired (everything is bathed in sickly greens, yellows, and blues which gets old pretty fast, just because something is unpleasant to look at doesn't necessarily make it scarier). Also, there's a sequence where a guy high on cocaine tries to rape Kate that is frankly unnecessary. The guy was already an asshole, to make him a potential rapist to get the viewer to hate him more is lazy and obnoxious. Be smarter, movie. Trust that we already see the guy as a potential threat without having him menacingly reach for his fly and push Kate into a corner.
Those faults are forgivable, though, because the movie has some terrifically creepy atmosphere and a brisk pace that helps the 85 minute running time breeze by. There are also some pretty nauseating moments, and I mean that in the best way possible. It's all very grim, but not oppressive, which can be a dealbreaker for movies like this. It's much more effective than the premise and generic title suggest, and generally the sort of movie that makes an undertaking like watching a new-to-me horror movie every day of October worthwhile.
Also, have I mentioned Franka Potente? Because DAMN. Franka Potente. Just sayin'.
Monday, October 13, 2014
Scary Movie Month 2014, Day 13
Pet Sematary Two
What a waste of a good Kurgan.
If someone murdered and buried Pet Sematary and it came back wrong...it would still be better than this. There are a few things working against it from the beginning: Edward Furlong, lack of Stephen King source material (or support, he insisted his name not be used), Edward Furlong, a terrible script, and Edward Furlong.
An unspecified amount of time has passed since Gage Creed got all "no fair" on the asses of everyone in his general area, and wouldn't you know it people are messing with that Micmac burial ground again where the ground is sour and things that you bury don't stay dead. As in the original, it starts with pets and then escalates to people, only these are not people that we care about like the Creeds or Jud Crandall, these are Edward Furlong people and Anthony Edwards in a weird turtleneck people, so we're pretty much rooting for mostly-dead Clancy Brown to murder everyone, including the screenwriter.
If you've seen the first Pet Sematary, you've probably been having nightmares about the terrifying Zelda ever since. She's one of the most frightening images in any movie, and though she has very little to do with the story itself she's memorable because she's awful in all of the right ways. There is absolutely nothing in this movie anywhere near as frightening or memorable as Zelda, much less anything else in the first movie. It's a lukewarm retread with absolutely no discernible personality and nothing that works on its own merits.
If there's any one bright spot, it's Clancy Brown as a dickhead sheriff turned undead dickhead sheriff. He's clearly having a good time and he's fun to watch, and to the movie's credit there's a scene in which he causes a car crash that is actually well-staged and moderately effective. So that's one minute that works and around a hundred minutes that don't. Not a very good average, that.
It's shocking to know that this was directed by Mary Lambert, who also directed the first Sematary. The original is so assured and so deeply frightening that I can't even believe such a lazy, uninspired sequel had the same person calling the shots. If only she had learned the lesson of the first movie that sometimes dead is better. Not every movie is meant to be a franchise.
What a waste of a good Kurgan.
If someone murdered and buried Pet Sematary and it came back wrong...it would still be better than this. There are a few things working against it from the beginning: Edward Furlong, lack of Stephen King source material (or support, he insisted his name not be used), Edward Furlong, a terrible script, and Edward Furlong.
An unspecified amount of time has passed since Gage Creed got all "no fair" on the asses of everyone in his general area, and wouldn't you know it people are messing with that Micmac burial ground again where the ground is sour and things that you bury don't stay dead. As in the original, it starts with pets and then escalates to people, only these are not people that we care about like the Creeds or Jud Crandall, these are Edward Furlong people and Anthony Edwards in a weird turtleneck people, so we're pretty much rooting for mostly-dead Clancy Brown to murder everyone, including the screenwriter.
If you've seen the first Pet Sematary, you've probably been having nightmares about the terrifying Zelda ever since. She's one of the most frightening images in any movie, and though she has very little to do with the story itself she's memorable because she's awful in all of the right ways. There is absolutely nothing in this movie anywhere near as frightening or memorable as Zelda, much less anything else in the first movie. It's a lukewarm retread with absolutely no discernible personality and nothing that works on its own merits.
If there's any one bright spot, it's Clancy Brown as a dickhead sheriff turned undead dickhead sheriff. He's clearly having a good time and he's fun to watch, and to the movie's credit there's a scene in which he causes a car crash that is actually well-staged and moderately effective. So that's one minute that works and around a hundred minutes that don't. Not a very good average, that.
It's shocking to know that this was directed by Mary Lambert, who also directed the first Sematary. The original is so assured and so deeply frightening that I can't even believe such a lazy, uninspired sequel had the same person calling the shots. If only she had learned the lesson of the first movie that sometimes dead is better. Not every movie is meant to be a franchise.
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Scary Movie Month 2014, Day 12
Tales From the Crypt Presents Ritual
There are some things in life that I just can't abide, and this movie commits one of the worst of those sins: a criminal waste of Tim Curry. He's the "comic relief" here (a term possibly never used more loosely) and he seems as bored as anyone watching this shit.
Ritual was meant to be the third in an ongoing series of Tales From the Crypt movies. The first, Demon Knight, is a fun, funny, nasty, kinetic, endlessly rewatchable monster mash. The second, Bordello of Blood, leans way too hard toward comedy (and an assumption that the Venn diagram of "horror fan" and "Dennis Miller fan" has a much greater overlap than it actually does) and completely tanked in theaters. It flopped so hard, in fact, that this movie was purchased by Miramax and had all connections to Crypt removed for international theatrical release. Eventually they added the Crypt stuff back in and dumped the movie (deservedly so) direct to DVD in the US.
The movie opens with a horrifically cheap Crypt Keeper intro, the puppet seemingly purchased from a second-rate Halloween store and still voiced by a probably embarrassed John Kassir, who deserves better than this. We then cut to the movie proper, an ineptly-staged, self-serious remake of Val Lewton's infinitely better (and almost 40 minutes shorter) I Walked With A Zombie. Everything is flatly lit and unimaginatively staged, and while there are a few very welcome practical effects that stand out, there's also some terrible, cartoony CGI which only serves to make the whole thing feel like a SyFy Channel production.
Unlike one would expect from Tales From the Crypt, this movie has no sense of humor or fun. Say what you will about Bordello of Blood (it's not good) but at least it knew how silly it all was. I'll take that smug goofiness over po-faced dullness any day of the week. I Walked With A Zombie is readily available on DVD, by itself and as part of an excellent career-spanning Val Lewton box set. Do yourself a favor and track that down instead, you'll have a better time, I promise.
There are some things in life that I just can't abide, and this movie commits one of the worst of those sins: a criminal waste of Tim Curry. He's the "comic relief" here (a term possibly never used more loosely) and he seems as bored as anyone watching this shit.
Ritual was meant to be the third in an ongoing series of Tales From the Crypt movies. The first, Demon Knight, is a fun, funny, nasty, kinetic, endlessly rewatchable monster mash. The second, Bordello of Blood, leans way too hard toward comedy (and an assumption that the Venn diagram of "horror fan" and "Dennis Miller fan" has a much greater overlap than it actually does) and completely tanked in theaters. It flopped so hard, in fact, that this movie was purchased by Miramax and had all connections to Crypt removed for international theatrical release. Eventually they added the Crypt stuff back in and dumped the movie (deservedly so) direct to DVD in the US.
The movie opens with a horrifically cheap Crypt Keeper intro, the puppet seemingly purchased from a second-rate Halloween store and still voiced by a probably embarrassed John Kassir, who deserves better than this. We then cut to the movie proper, an ineptly-staged, self-serious remake of Val Lewton's infinitely better (and almost 40 minutes shorter) I Walked With A Zombie. Everything is flatly lit and unimaginatively staged, and while there are a few very welcome practical effects that stand out, there's also some terrible, cartoony CGI which only serves to make the whole thing feel like a SyFy Channel production.
Unlike one would expect from Tales From the Crypt, this movie has no sense of humor or fun. Say what you will about Bordello of Blood (it's not good) but at least it knew how silly it all was. I'll take that smug goofiness over po-faced dullness any day of the week. I Walked With A Zombie is readily available on DVD, by itself and as part of an excellent career-spanning Val Lewton box set. Do yourself a favor and track that down instead, you'll have a better time, I promise.
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Scary Movie Month 2014, Day 11
The Phantom of the Opera (1943)
Now I remember why it's been over 20 years since I've seen this one: I don't really like it. Easily my least favorite of the golden age of Universal Monsters, it's a case of way too much opera and way too little Phantom.
The lush technicolor looks gorgeous on the blu-ray, but it just doesn't feel like a horror movie, especially taken alongside masterpieces like Dracula & Frankenstein. Claude Rains is great (as always) as the Phantom, but he's offscreen so often that instead of building tension it just leaves the viewer feeling bored waiting for him to return and inject a little life into the movie. The reveal of his deformity, what should be an iconic and terrifying moment, lays there inert on the screen, much like any other "big" moment in this version it's missing an element of true horror or pathos or anything to make it memorable.
It's difficult not to compare this to other versions, and it doesn't hold a candle to Lon Chaney's take from 1925, a movie that still holds the power to shock and horrify. If I'm being embarrassingly honest, I even prefer the Dwight H. Little joint from 1989 with Robert Englund and (dreamy sigh) Jill Schoelen. It's crazy, but at least it's FUN crazy, this version is, sadly, a drag.
Now I remember why it's been over 20 years since I've seen this one: I don't really like it. Easily my least favorite of the golden age of Universal Monsters, it's a case of way too much opera and way too little Phantom.
The lush technicolor looks gorgeous on the blu-ray, but it just doesn't feel like a horror movie, especially taken alongside masterpieces like Dracula & Frankenstein. Claude Rains is great (as always) as the Phantom, but he's offscreen so often that instead of building tension it just leaves the viewer feeling bored waiting for him to return and inject a little life into the movie. The reveal of his deformity, what should be an iconic and terrifying moment, lays there inert on the screen, much like any other "big" moment in this version it's missing an element of true horror or pathos or anything to make it memorable.
It's difficult not to compare this to other versions, and it doesn't hold a candle to Lon Chaney's take from 1925, a movie that still holds the power to shock and horrify. If I'm being embarrassingly honest, I even prefer the Dwight H. Little joint from 1989 with Robert Englund and (dreamy sigh) Jill Schoelen. It's crazy, but at least it's FUN crazy, this version is, sadly, a drag.
Friday, October 10, 2014
Scary Movie Month 2014, Day 10
Death Spa
Appropriately batshit movie about a computer-controlled, murderous health club. Surprisingly, it took almost six minutes to get to the first full-frontal nude shot, which seems positively lethargic for a movie called Death Spa. Also, it was cowritten by a guy named Mitch Paradise, so now you all know my chosen porn name.
It's a bit shocking that this came out as late as 1989 because it feels firmly rooted in the Miami Vice-inspired neon aesthetic of the mid-80's. It's all brightly-colored spandex, over-the-top gore, new wave music, and did I mention the brightly-colored spandex?
As for the movie itself, the title pretty much says it all. A spa run by computer goes haywire (because things like the bolts on a diving board and the tiles in a shower are run by computer, isn't that how things work?) and starts causing people to be maimed and/or killed. Also a guy gets eaten by a two-foot-long fish because why not. Of course there's more to it than a simple computer malfunction, but I won't spoil the gleeful batshittery to come. The movie goes completely insane in the final act, and it's all the better for it.
Everyone in the cast commits to the nonsense and it makes for a pretty fun watch overall. I wish Ken Foree had a bit more to do since he's a goddamn national treasure, but any Foree is good Foree. Also, as a Star Trek fan I'd be remiss if I didn't mention this was the final film performance of Merritt Butrick, who played Kirk's son in Treks II & III. His performance is unfortunately rooted in the gay panic not uncommon in movies of the era (era) but he's still fun to watch.
I imagine this would work well as a party movie, just something to have on in the background during a Halloween party. You can watch pretty much any random 5-10 minutes of it and enjoy pretty much everything it has to offer. I don't mean that as a dig, for the record. It's exactly what you're looking for if you're into movies with titles like Death Spa.
Appropriately batshit movie about a computer-controlled, murderous health club. Surprisingly, it took almost six minutes to get to the first full-frontal nude shot, which seems positively lethargic for a movie called Death Spa. Also, it was cowritten by a guy named Mitch Paradise, so now you all know my chosen porn name.
It's a bit shocking that this came out as late as 1989 because it feels firmly rooted in the Miami Vice-inspired neon aesthetic of the mid-80's. It's all brightly-colored spandex, over-the-top gore, new wave music, and did I mention the brightly-colored spandex?
As for the movie itself, the title pretty much says it all. A spa run by computer goes haywire (because things like the bolts on a diving board and the tiles in a shower are run by computer, isn't that how things work?) and starts causing people to be maimed and/or killed. Also a guy gets eaten by a two-foot-long fish because why not. Of course there's more to it than a simple computer malfunction, but I won't spoil the gleeful batshittery to come. The movie goes completely insane in the final act, and it's all the better for it.
Everyone in the cast commits to the nonsense and it makes for a pretty fun watch overall. I wish Ken Foree had a bit more to do since he's a goddamn national treasure, but any Foree is good Foree. Also, as a Star Trek fan I'd be remiss if I didn't mention this was the final film performance of Merritt Butrick, who played Kirk's son in Treks II & III. His performance is unfortunately rooted in the gay panic not uncommon in movies of the era (era) but he's still fun to watch.
I imagine this would work well as a party movie, just something to have on in the background during a Halloween party. You can watch pretty much any random 5-10 minutes of it and enjoy pretty much everything it has to offer. I don't mean that as a dig, for the record. It's exactly what you're looking for if you're into movies with titles like Death Spa.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Scary Movie Month 2014, Day 9
The ABCs of Death 2
Yuck. That's the one thing all 26 shorts in this anthology have in common, they all have at least a moment designed to make the viewer say yuck. The basic premise is the same as the first movie, 26 filmmakers (or filmmaking teams) are each given a letter of the alphabet and tasked with making a short film about death based on that letter.
The shorts here are mostly bad (though in fairness, not as bad as the worst of the first movie in the series) but there are a few bright spots, particularly A, S, W, and Z (especially S, a cleverly constructed piece that was easily my favorite in the movie). Also, I admit I laughed out loud at the last line of M, and as affectedly gonzo as Y was there was something about it that worked, unlike the godawful surrealist Japanese Z from part 1.
I realize that that last paragraph reads like an equation, but I'm being purposefully vague only because one of the few pleasures of the movie is trying to figure out what word the short is building to, as the name of each short isn't revealed until the end of it, usually causing it to act almost as a punchline.
One thing to be wary of, these movies are most assuredly not for the weak of stomach. As each one is building to a death, they can get pretty insanely gory. I don't mind gore when it has a purpose (the first movie's X was one of my favorite shorts in it and I had to look away from the screen momentarily during it) but a lot of it here just comes across as a lazy attempt to shock.
Despite the few good shorts, this was as frustrating and overall disappointing as the original. As with any anthology, your mileage may vary regarding which shorts you like or don't like, but I can't imagine anybody walking away from the movie feeling completely satisfied.
Yuck. That's the one thing all 26 shorts in this anthology have in common, they all have at least a moment designed to make the viewer say yuck. The basic premise is the same as the first movie, 26 filmmakers (or filmmaking teams) are each given a letter of the alphabet and tasked with making a short film about death based on that letter.
The shorts here are mostly bad (though in fairness, not as bad as the worst of the first movie in the series) but there are a few bright spots, particularly A, S, W, and Z (especially S, a cleverly constructed piece that was easily my favorite in the movie). Also, I admit I laughed out loud at the last line of M, and as affectedly gonzo as Y was there was something about it that worked, unlike the godawful surrealist Japanese Z from part 1.
I realize that that last paragraph reads like an equation, but I'm being purposefully vague only because one of the few pleasures of the movie is trying to figure out what word the short is building to, as the name of each short isn't revealed until the end of it, usually causing it to act almost as a punchline.
One thing to be wary of, these movies are most assuredly not for the weak of stomach. As each one is building to a death, they can get pretty insanely gory. I don't mind gore when it has a purpose (the first movie's X was one of my favorite shorts in it and I had to look away from the screen momentarily during it) but a lot of it here just comes across as a lazy attempt to shock.
Despite the few good shorts, this was as frustrating and overall disappointing as the original. As with any anthology, your mileage may vary regarding which shorts you like or don't like, but I can't imagine anybody walking away from the movie feeling completely satisfied.
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Scary Movie Month 2014, Day 8
The Monkey's Paw (2013)
"It'll give you what you ask for, but not the way you want it." That's a direct quote from the movie and a pretty decent synopsis as well. As anyone familiar with the story (read: everyone on the planet) knows, every wish brings with it a big pile of bloody consequences. Sure it's a story that's been done to death (and then wished back to soulless life) but this made-for-TV movie is a pretty solid take on it.
Remember a few days ago when I was knocking Stephen Lang for being lousy in A Good Marriage? He's forgiven, because he's kind of a hoot here. He's a friend of Blandy McBland, our main character, who is accidentally killed and then wished back to life courtesy of the shriveled appendage of the title. Not surprisingly, he returns as a soulless murder enthusiast and only Blanderson Blankface can stop him. He's clearly having fun running around New Orleans (side note for exactly one reader: thanks for the geography lesson, Nicky :-*) stabbing the holy hell out of everyone he encounters. It's a fun performance, and the movie suffers a bit whenever he's offscreen (particularly toward the middle) but for the most part it's a fun watch.
The lead, C.J. Thomason is (as I might have mentioned) a bit on the bland side, but Lang is so much fun to watch that it doesn't sink the movie. The great Charles S. Dutton plays a cop investigating the murders, and he's a welcome presence in any movie even when he doesn't have a whole lot to do, which is unfortunately the case here.
All things considered it's a slick, above-average TV movie. The story is solid and well-told, it has a wickedly humorous streak running through it, and there was even a moment that made me jump, which is all too rare these days. Also, it was written by Blue Ruin star Macon Blair which made me want to watch that again, so that's gotta be another point in its corner.
"It'll give you what you ask for, but not the way you want it." That's a direct quote from the movie and a pretty decent synopsis as well. As anyone familiar with the story (read: everyone on the planet) knows, every wish brings with it a big pile of bloody consequences. Sure it's a story that's been done to death (and then wished back to soulless life) but this made-for-TV movie is a pretty solid take on it.
Remember a few days ago when I was knocking Stephen Lang for being lousy in A Good Marriage? He's forgiven, because he's kind of a hoot here. He's a friend of Blandy McBland, our main character, who is accidentally killed and then wished back to life courtesy of the shriveled appendage of the title. Not surprisingly, he returns as a soulless murder enthusiast and only Blanderson Blankface can stop him. He's clearly having fun running around New Orleans (side note for exactly one reader: thanks for the geography lesson, Nicky :-*) stabbing the holy hell out of everyone he encounters. It's a fun performance, and the movie suffers a bit whenever he's offscreen (particularly toward the middle) but for the most part it's a fun watch.
The lead, C.J. Thomason is (as I might have mentioned) a bit on the bland side, but Lang is so much fun to watch that it doesn't sink the movie. The great Charles S. Dutton plays a cop investigating the murders, and he's a welcome presence in any movie even when he doesn't have a whole lot to do, which is unfortunately the case here.
All things considered it's a slick, above-average TV movie. The story is solid and well-told, it has a wickedly humorous streak running through it, and there was even a moment that made me jump, which is all too rare these days. Also, it was written by Blue Ruin star Macon Blair which made me want to watch that again, so that's gotta be another point in its corner.
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Scary Movie Month 2014, Day 7
Bad Dreams
This was a pleasant surprise. Stop me if you've heard this one before: Jennifer Rubin is in a psych ward, she's having dreams of a psychopath who was killed in a fire, and all around her other inmates of the ward are dying mysteriously in what appears to be a rash of suicides. The fact that that exact sentence can also be used to describe A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (released one year prior to this) is exactly what kept me away from this one for so long, I figured it was just a cheap knockoff of the Nightmare movies. I was wrong, and I'm happy to be so.
Rubin is the lone survivor of a Jonestown-like cult led by the ubercreepy yet somehow still compassionate Richard Lynch. Lynch is pretty great, as scary a presence as he is you can still see how people would fall under his sway. Rubin is less great, but she's fine. She's beautiful (and bad, for you Taryn fans) but she's also kind of blank. I would love to have seen someone with a bit more experience at the center here, someone who could really convey the pain, delusion, and ultimate inner strength that the role calls for. The other people in the ward tend to lean toward the cartoonish, but Dean Cameron and E.G. Daily each get a couple of moments that elevate the rest of it. There's also able support by Bruce Abbott and Harris Yulin, and Charles Fleischer makes a great impression in his one scene, as he often does.
While there isn't much in the way of real scares, there's still a lot of disturbing imagery and a few gruesome moments that make it a worthwhile watch for horror fans. The ultimate resolution is actually quite satisfying and reasonably well thought out. Maybe it's just a case of lowered expectations but I really enjoyed this one quite a bit. The central premise (and terrible poster) don't do it any favors in the originality department, but it's not just a cookie-cutter "pretty girl menaced by undead monster" movie, and it's surprisingly solid.
This was a pleasant surprise. Stop me if you've heard this one before: Jennifer Rubin is in a psych ward, she's having dreams of a psychopath who was killed in a fire, and all around her other inmates of the ward are dying mysteriously in what appears to be a rash of suicides. The fact that that exact sentence can also be used to describe A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (released one year prior to this) is exactly what kept me away from this one for so long, I figured it was just a cheap knockoff of the Nightmare movies. I was wrong, and I'm happy to be so.
Rubin is the lone survivor of a Jonestown-like cult led by the ubercreepy yet somehow still compassionate Richard Lynch. Lynch is pretty great, as scary a presence as he is you can still see how people would fall under his sway. Rubin is less great, but she's fine. She's beautiful (and bad, for you Taryn fans) but she's also kind of blank. I would love to have seen someone with a bit more experience at the center here, someone who could really convey the pain, delusion, and ultimate inner strength that the role calls for. The other people in the ward tend to lean toward the cartoonish, but Dean Cameron and E.G. Daily each get a couple of moments that elevate the rest of it. There's also able support by Bruce Abbott and Harris Yulin, and Charles Fleischer makes a great impression in his one scene, as he often does.
While there isn't much in the way of real scares, there's still a lot of disturbing imagery and a few gruesome moments that make it a worthwhile watch for horror fans. The ultimate resolution is actually quite satisfying and reasonably well thought out. Maybe it's just a case of lowered expectations but I really enjoyed this one quite a bit. The central premise (and terrible poster) don't do it any favors in the originality department, but it's not just a cookie-cutter "pretty girl menaced by undead monster" movie, and it's surprisingly solid.
Monday, October 6, 2014
Scary Movie Month 2014, Day 6
Final Exam
I'm kinda torn on this one. On one hand, it's a pretty typical slasher movie minus any memorable setpieces or kills. On the other hand, I respect that they were trying to do something a little bit different with a formula that was already growing tired, even by 1981.
Lanier College is in finals week, and to add to that stress there's a shadowy figure with an Anton Chigurh haircut prowling the campus with a butcher knife and an urge to kill. Eventually. Like most slasher movies, we open with a kill, but then there's about an hour without any bloodshed (outside of a "harmless prank" that if attempted today would easily result in a campus lockdown and a stack of real dead bodies all on its own. My, how times have changed).
The movie is a weird hybrid of frat comedy and slasher movie, and not only does it do a poor job of balancing those things, it's not particularly good at either one. The frat stuff isn't funny, and the slasher stuff isn't scary or suspenseful. There's not even any mystery, the killer is unmasked and (SPOILERS) his identity and/or motive are never discussed. Dude just hates finals and mom jeans, I guess. To be fair, I actually like the choice to make the murders unmotivated, there's sort of a realism in that that ups the creep factor, it just doesn't make for a terribly entertaining movie.
Most of the violence is kept offscreen, and frankly the movie suffers for it. It's not like the audience for these things has an insatiable bloodlust, but we do expect some memorable kills if you're not gonna bother giving us any suspense. I appreciate the choice of the filmmakers to show less onscreen bloodshed, but they don't balance that choice by giving us characters to care about or a mystery to solve, it's just a lot of waiting around for things to get all stabby again.
It's disappointing, but still a far cry from the worst the genre has to offer. I feel like if it had a setpiece toward the middle like the raft sequence from The Burning it would be much more fondly remembered.
I'm kinda torn on this one. On one hand, it's a pretty typical slasher movie minus any memorable setpieces or kills. On the other hand, I respect that they were trying to do something a little bit different with a formula that was already growing tired, even by 1981.
Lanier College is in finals week, and to add to that stress there's a shadowy figure with an Anton Chigurh haircut prowling the campus with a butcher knife and an urge to kill. Eventually. Like most slasher movies, we open with a kill, but then there's about an hour without any bloodshed (outside of a "harmless prank" that if attempted today would easily result in a campus lockdown and a stack of real dead bodies all on its own. My, how times have changed).
The movie is a weird hybrid of frat comedy and slasher movie, and not only does it do a poor job of balancing those things, it's not particularly good at either one. The frat stuff isn't funny, and the slasher stuff isn't scary or suspenseful. There's not even any mystery, the killer is unmasked and (SPOILERS) his identity and/or motive are never discussed. Dude just hates finals and mom jeans, I guess. To be fair, I actually like the choice to make the murders unmotivated, there's sort of a realism in that that ups the creep factor, it just doesn't make for a terribly entertaining movie.
Most of the violence is kept offscreen, and frankly the movie suffers for it. It's not like the audience for these things has an insatiable bloodlust, but we do expect some memorable kills if you're not gonna bother giving us any suspense. I appreciate the choice of the filmmakers to show less onscreen bloodshed, but they don't balance that choice by giving us characters to care about or a mystery to solve, it's just a lot of waiting around for things to get all stabby again.
It's disappointing, but still a far cry from the worst the genre has to offer. I feel like if it had a setpiece toward the middle like the raft sequence from The Burning it would be much more fondly remembered.
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Scary Movie Month 2014, Day 5
Stephen King's A Good Marriage
Well, poop. I'm a big fan of Big Steve, and this is the first time he's adapted his work (for film, not tv) in 25 years (the last time was Pet Sematary). It was not worth the wait.
A Good Marriage was a novella from Full Dark, No Stars. It was less than 100 pages and there was just plain not enough there to sustain a full-length feature. Also, so much of the story is dependent on Joan Allen's character's inner monologue that it's impossible to translate the stuff that really works to the screen.
Allen plays a woman who accidentally stumbles (quite literally) onto evidence that her husband (Anthony LaPaglia) is a notorious serial killer. It's inspired by the real life case of Dennis Rader, better known as the B.T.K. killer, who was a devoted family man who also had a habit of torturing and murdering women and children. There was a movie made about Rader, not a very good one but better than this, that starred Kane Hodder in the lead and he was very effective as a family man with a horrifying secret. As scary as Hodder is, there was a gentleness to his performance that is surprisingly absent from LaPaglia's here. LaPaglia goes straight for menacing, and it takes away from the story, it only serves to make you wonder why she didn't recognize that he was a psychopath in the first place. Also, there are two or three too many "it was a dream" shock moments that don't shock at all, thanks to Peter Askin's flat, uninspired direction.
Lastly, Stephen Lang plays a retired detective on LaPaglia's trail and he's an actor who fascinates me because he has exactly two modes, very good (Manhunter, Tombstone, Crime Story) and very, very bad (Avatar, this) with absolutely no in between. He's fairly terrible here, all quirks and mannerisms, making his character into a terminally-ill Columbo caricature that feels completely inauthentic.
There's a good story in here, but not every story is meant to be a movie. I hate to say it, especially with King's direct involvement, but this is about as uninvolving and inessential as thrillers get. For King completists only.
Well, poop. I'm a big fan of Big Steve, and this is the first time he's adapted his work (for film, not tv) in 25 years (the last time was Pet Sematary). It was not worth the wait.
A Good Marriage was a novella from Full Dark, No Stars. It was less than 100 pages and there was just plain not enough there to sustain a full-length feature. Also, so much of the story is dependent on Joan Allen's character's inner monologue that it's impossible to translate the stuff that really works to the screen.
Allen plays a woman who accidentally stumbles (quite literally) onto evidence that her husband (Anthony LaPaglia) is a notorious serial killer. It's inspired by the real life case of Dennis Rader, better known as the B.T.K. killer, who was a devoted family man who also had a habit of torturing and murdering women and children. There was a movie made about Rader, not a very good one but better than this, that starred Kane Hodder in the lead and he was very effective as a family man with a horrifying secret. As scary as Hodder is, there was a gentleness to his performance that is surprisingly absent from LaPaglia's here. LaPaglia goes straight for menacing, and it takes away from the story, it only serves to make you wonder why she didn't recognize that he was a psychopath in the first place. Also, there are two or three too many "it was a dream" shock moments that don't shock at all, thanks to Peter Askin's flat, uninspired direction.
Lastly, Stephen Lang plays a retired detective on LaPaglia's trail and he's an actor who fascinates me because he has exactly two modes, very good (Manhunter, Tombstone, Crime Story) and very, very bad (Avatar, this) with absolutely no in between. He's fairly terrible here, all quirks and mannerisms, making his character into a terminally-ill Columbo caricature that feels completely inauthentic.
There's a good story in here, but not every story is meant to be a movie. I hate to say it, especially with King's direct involvement, but this is about as uninvolving and inessential as thrillers get. For King completists only.
Saturday, October 4, 2014
Scary Movie Month 2014, Day 4
The Nest
Note to self: next year, if the holiday again falls during Scary Movie Month, maybe watch the carnivorous-cockroach movie BEFORE the Yom Kippur fast, that way I won't have an appetite anyway.
The last story in Creepshow, "They're Creeping Up On You," has always given me what scientists call the heebie-jeebies. It's about a Howard Hughes-like germophobe trapped in his sterile home with a whole lot of cockroaches. It thoroughly creeps me out, but thankfully it's only 20 minutes or so long. The Nest, on the other hand, is a solid 90ish minutes of man-eating (and dog-and-cat-eating, animal lovers beware) mutant cockroaches rampaging all over a quiet seaside town.
Not only do these flesh-feasting insects infest the town, they also take on the characteristics of those they eat, leading to some truly grotesque animal- and human-sized monsters. The effects are hit and miss, but for the most part they work well. There are some genuinely sickening images here that I won't soon forget. All in all, I'm sort of surprised this one doesn't have a better reputation (maybe it has a better one than I'm aware of, I never heard of it until Scream Factory released it). It's fast-paced, gory, and more effective than you might expect. It won't change your life, but it's a fun, nasty little creature-feature. Grab a can of Raid and enjoy.
Note to self: next year, if the holiday again falls during Scary Movie Month, maybe watch the carnivorous-cockroach movie BEFORE the Yom Kippur fast, that way I won't have an appetite anyway.
The last story in Creepshow, "They're Creeping Up On You," has always given me what scientists call the heebie-jeebies. It's about a Howard Hughes-like germophobe trapped in his sterile home with a whole lot of cockroaches. It thoroughly creeps me out, but thankfully it's only 20 minutes or so long. The Nest, on the other hand, is a solid 90ish minutes of man-eating (and dog-and-cat-eating, animal lovers beware) mutant cockroaches rampaging all over a quiet seaside town.
Not only do these flesh-feasting insects infest the town, they also take on the characteristics of those they eat, leading to some truly grotesque animal- and human-sized monsters. The effects are hit and miss, but for the most part they work well. There are some genuinely sickening images here that I won't soon forget. All in all, I'm sort of surprised this one doesn't have a better reputation (maybe it has a better one than I'm aware of, I never heard of it until Scream Factory released it). It's fast-paced, gory, and more effective than you might expect. It won't change your life, but it's a fun, nasty little creature-feature. Grab a can of Raid and enjoy.
Friday, October 3, 2014
Scary Movie Month 2014, Day 3
The Video Dead
A hokey premise (a tv acts as a gateway for murderous zombies), a cast full of terrible amateurs, some inspired gore gags and an admittedly phenomenal poster all add up to a pretty crappy movie with a few (very few) standout moments.
Everything is very inconsistent, from the tone (I think it's going for intentional laughs at times, but I can't be too sure) to the makeup (there are a few genuinely disturbing-looking ghouls, and then there's one who looks like David Bowie coated with a thick layer of Colgate Total).
The one thing that is consistent: the performances are uniformly awful. There's more than one victim who appears to be laughing as they're meeting their demise, one can only assume that second takes were not an option. Also, the guy playing the "Quint" (his name was Joshua in this one, but all the phony-tough monster-hunter characters in these movies are always just trying to be Robert Shaw) was apparently hired through Rent-A-Joe-Don-Baker. I believe he was the economy model.
While yesterday's movie, TerrorVision, had a similar premise, it was stuffed with imagination, color, life, and even a touch of satire. The Video Dead reaches for nothing of the sort. You would think television = zombies could lead to something satirical or witty (even if it was hacky & obvious like in the John Herzfeld joint 15 Minutes) or even (heaven forbid) scary, but this movie isn't interested in any of that. The tv might as well have been any given doorway, the movie does nothing with the premise.
Side note: the only name I recognized in the credits was one of the zombies who was played by Anthony Ferrante, a former makeup guy who is now best known as the director of both goddamn Sharknado movies. I assume this is precisely where he honed those chops.
A hokey premise (a tv acts as a gateway for murderous zombies), a cast full of terrible amateurs, some inspired gore gags and an admittedly phenomenal poster all add up to a pretty crappy movie with a few (very few) standout moments.
Everything is very inconsistent, from the tone (I think it's going for intentional laughs at times, but I can't be too sure) to the makeup (there are a few genuinely disturbing-looking ghouls, and then there's one who looks like David Bowie coated with a thick layer of Colgate Total).
The one thing that is consistent: the performances are uniformly awful. There's more than one victim who appears to be laughing as they're meeting their demise, one can only assume that second takes were not an option. Also, the guy playing the "Quint" (his name was Joshua in this one, but all the phony-tough monster-hunter characters in these movies are always just trying to be Robert Shaw) was apparently hired through Rent-A-Joe-Don-Baker. I believe he was the economy model.
While yesterday's movie, TerrorVision, had a similar premise, it was stuffed with imagination, color, life, and even a touch of satire. The Video Dead reaches for nothing of the sort. You would think television = zombies could lead to something satirical or witty (even if it was hacky & obvious like in the John Herzfeld joint 15 Minutes) or even (heaven forbid) scary, but this movie isn't interested in any of that. The tv might as well have been any given doorway, the movie does nothing with the premise.
Side note: the only name I recognized in the credits was one of the zombies who was played by Anthony Ferrante, a former makeup guy who is now best known as the director of both goddamn Sharknado movies. I assume this is precisely where he honed those chops.
Thursday, October 2, 2014
Scary Movie Month 2014, Day 2
TerrorVision
First things first, why isn't People magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive" not a title that Clooney, McConaughey, Cruise, etc. have to try to wrestle away from Gerrit Graham every single year? He seems to be the clear choice.
Anyway, he's a blast here along with Mary Woronov as a couple stuck somewhere between 70s swingers and 80s yuppies. He buys a newfangled satellite TV which of course is a teleportation device for slimy, drippy, rubbery, spectacularly practical aliens.
This is something that could only have come from the 80s, a candy-colored, purposefully artificial slime factory that has the tone of a kid's movie despite being R rated (though it would easily be PG-13 today, except maybe for the cartoonishly pornographic artwork on the walls). It's all very silly, but it's also very fun, a total sugar rush that isn't like anything else out there.
First things first, why isn't People magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive" not a title that Clooney, McConaughey, Cruise, etc. have to try to wrestle away from Gerrit Graham every single year? He seems to be the clear choice.
Anyway, he's a blast here along with Mary Woronov as a couple stuck somewhere between 70s swingers and 80s yuppies. He buys a newfangled satellite TV which of course is a teleportation device for slimy, drippy, rubbery, spectacularly practical aliens.
This is something that could only have come from the 80s, a candy-colored, purposefully artificial slime factory that has the tone of a kid's movie despite being R rated (though it would easily be PG-13 today, except maybe for the cartoonishly pornographic artwork on the walls). It's all very silly, but it's also very fun, a total sugar rush that isn't like anything else out there.
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
Scary Movie Month 2014, Day 1
Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers (Producer's Cut)
In 1995, I saw Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (sans the 6 in the title of this new cut) on opening day. A lifelong fan of the series, I was excited for a new trip to Haddonfield, my first in a theater. 88 minutes later I was crushed, because it was one of the worst movies I've ever seen, no hyperbole. It was ugly, stupid, and seemingly assembled by an editor who was blind, incompetent, and possibly incontinent. Over the next 19 years, I heard stories of an alternate cut, available via blurry convention floor bootlegs, that was supposed to rectify so many problems with the theatrical cut.
Now that Scream Factory and Anchor Bay have teamed up to offer the fabled producer's cut on a beautiful, comprehensive blu-ray, I have finally had the opportunity to see the changes for myself.
Eh.
There's more Donald Pleasence (always welcome) and less gore (also welcome, not because I'm not fond of the red stuff but because the Halloween series was built on suspense, not gore), but there's also more awful dialogue about Druids and runes and stellar cartography and oh look at that I just fell asleep in mid-sentence.
No matter which cut you watch (they're both on the blu-ray), the movie is still a big bowl of fuck you. No suspense, no fun, just piles and piles of exposition, a handful of unbearably broad performances, and multiple stab wounds.
Not a great start to Scary Movie Month, but I'm still glad I finally got to see it, it truly is fascinating how a movie can be reshaped in the editing room. My goal this year is to watch a new-to-me movie every day of October, so stay tuned, fans of me failing miserably at things!
In 1995, I saw Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (sans the 6 in the title of this new cut) on opening day. A lifelong fan of the series, I was excited for a new trip to Haddonfield, my first in a theater. 88 minutes later I was crushed, because it was one of the worst movies I've ever seen, no hyperbole. It was ugly, stupid, and seemingly assembled by an editor who was blind, incompetent, and possibly incontinent. Over the next 19 years, I heard stories of an alternate cut, available via blurry convention floor bootlegs, that was supposed to rectify so many problems with the theatrical cut.
Now that Scream Factory and Anchor Bay have teamed up to offer the fabled producer's cut on a beautiful, comprehensive blu-ray, I have finally had the opportunity to see the changes for myself.
Eh.
There's more Donald Pleasence (always welcome) and less gore (also welcome, not because I'm not fond of the red stuff but because the Halloween series was built on suspense, not gore), but there's also more awful dialogue about Druids and runes and stellar cartography and oh look at that I just fell asleep in mid-sentence.
No matter which cut you watch (they're both on the blu-ray), the movie is still a big bowl of fuck you. No suspense, no fun, just piles and piles of exposition, a handful of unbearably broad performances, and multiple stab wounds.
Not a great start to Scary Movie Month, but I'm still glad I finally got to see it, it truly is fascinating how a movie can be reshaped in the editing room. My goal this year is to watch a new-to-me movie every day of October, so stay tuned, fans of me failing miserably at things!
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